Broken Spirit in Harlem

 Just got off work. Yes I’m working. A temp job this week as a receptionist at a real estate/textile company. Old New York. It’s corporate. Fluorescent. Dusty yet strong. I feel like I’m turning off my talent for money. But I made it through the day. At least I can offer my smile to the people. Energy is everything. 

I get off work. Head uptown to my September bougie sublet that I can’t afford. Heart aching for a jazz musician that I have fallen head over heels for… again. Is this a pattern? Falling for an emotionally unavailable genius child? I write a farewell letter to him in the spirt realm in an attempt to reconcile my unrequited love. As an attempt to save myself from being heartbroken and bitter towards love. 

I step into my over budget apartment to record two auditions one for me and one for my friend. We are so gifted. It’s only a matter of time.  But in the back of my mind, my soul is broken from so many rejections. So many no’s. Am I a has been?

I step out to a harlem bar up the skreet to meet a friend and it’s an open mic. Hungry for music, I sing a long with the crowd- all singing the parts like a jaded overly enthusiastic gospel choir. Complete with the runs but empty with meaning. Only hoping to be heard but not listening. Egotistical & judgmental. I’m invited to sing and I sing Be Happy and Feel Like Making Love bc I am Sad and don't believe in love… only to have cold shoulders thrown.  Silence and continued conversation. No energy at all. I felt like I might as well have been boo’d off the Apollo stage. I’ve never felt so less than from a club full of people. How can a collective be so energy draining? WasI that awful??  The 3% of confidence i had left from constant rejection from my auditions was snuffed out. As the song ended no one clapped or even acknowledged my existence. I’m so tired of being overlooked, rejected, ignored in every part of my life. This set it off for me. I just want a win. And the amount of apathy & judgment I felt from these Black Americans in this little Harlem dive bar sucked out the remaining joy and confidence I was clinging too. 

I walked home utterly depleted. From a 9-6 lifeless shift. To a 7-9 audition self tape. To a 10-11 confidence killing night. The familiar comfortable option of suicide appears. Maybe my best years are behind me and I don’t have what it takes to make a difference or impact in the world anymore. My leaving is no different than my staying. 

But what if my soul? I already feel like a ghost. Lost and lingering in this world. Lead on yet Forgotten by God. Waiting tirelessly for nothing. 

Ugh..I want to go home. 

update:

Harlem ain't so bad after all...

Yuckyacht

I'm staying in Miami for an extra week after the A Wonderful World run. I didn't want to rush back to California just yet. It's never really felt like home yet. The only person who really has made it feel like home was my boyfriend but we are breaking up...or I suppose we already are. He's kinda dragging it out. We both knew that something was off and I would talk about it and he would cover it up with a veneer of a smile and what he called "hope". But I would rather be honest about something. If it isn't working, it's okay. But I felt like I was going crazy because he would be ignoring all the signs and I was blinded by all the signs. In every relationship, we learn about ourselves. I learned that I love to be held and loved tenderly but that I also value honesty and require emotional stability. But I realize that also, no one can make you happy, you can be in the "best" of situations and still be miserable...I found joy in the most simple humble situations, and that I need to work on my relationship with myself and the God within first and foremost. Everything will stem from my inner relationship. There are a lot of moving parts when two people come together and the ingredients may or may not work with one another. Peanut butter and oysters are delicious but not together. He's asking for time to think about what's next with me but he's is already happy and content with his life on his own. I want to be THERE. Happy and content with my own life. So then a relationship is a CHERRY on top! Gone are the days where a relationship adds sense and stability to my life. I was looking for stability and purpose and completion in a relationship...why? Because I was instable and not complete within. So I looked without! 

Sigh...I just got off the phone with my mother and she is so esoteric. I am grateful to come from her, she has so much wisdom and even near 40, I feel like I need her guidance more than ever. She reminds me that there is more than life than our limitations. Wisdom just flows out of her like a waterfall and sometime I need to come up for air to digest the gems. Thank you God.

I planned a boat ride. I didn't want to leave Miami with this amazing cast without spending time outside of rehearsal with them and on some water. It was a ghetto mess organizing it, people not paying, not responding, dropping out and the very last minute. Once we saw the yacht, it was underwhelming, and I was drowned by everyone's complaints but those voices were the loudest. I didn't realize that some people were fine with it. We eventually took off and the ride was a breeze...but I will never host a group gathering alone again. My headache was so sharp and constant the rest of the evening, I wondered if it was actually more stressful to have it. I learned a valuable lesson or two.  God is in the midst of everything. The people who cancelled would have HATED the ride and been miserable, the people who came were the perfect combination of folks. That things always work out, and that I am stronger than I think. My strength always surprises me. 

I realize that my confidence is quiet, I'm not a proud person. The world seems full of people with puffed out chests and enlarged egos and when I try to "compete", I feel drained and tense. I just want to flow like water. The energy out here is intense. I feel pushed aside, insignificant, less than but I know that I am NOT those things. I am God's favorite one. His precious beloved. My valuable is divinely locked and no thing or being can alter my position in God's eyes. But this is something I have to remember, regardless of how people treat me. I finally understand and feel racial discrimination. I understand and feel the hatred towards black women more than ever in Miami. I don't understand because we are one of the most magically beings on Earth. My soul feels beaten and battered here. Even after starring in a profoundly Black musical here, literally next door from the theater, I was disrespected simply because of my identity. I finally understand how it feels, Ive been protected by racial bias, being lighter complexioned and growing up in a liberal racially diverse and tolerant neighborhood. I don't know how to thrive and shine in such thick darkness sometimes. I've been crying so much these last few days. Releasing pented up emotions, deeply rooted fear, of being alone and abandoned in this cruel world. I've never wished for Heaven more than now but I'm also in awe of the miracle of this flash of life I am in. My emotions and thoughts are as deep  and expansive as the ocean. And while I am experiencing and releasing a lot of emotions, I have a deep knowing that I am where I am supposed to be. This solitude is beautiful, not terrifying. It holds all things. And to enjoy the chaos because there is actually no right side up anymore. My truth North is when peace settles in my heart.

Omichristmas in Miami

Today is the Winter Solstice. 

I'm in sunny Miami opening a show ironically called "A Wonderful World" about Louis Armstrong. Playing his second wife from Chicago, Lilian Hardin, the one who polished him up from a country bumpkin to the "World's Greatest Trumpet Player in the World". She was a bad bougie classically trained musician who was overlooked but rolled with the big dawgs. Of course, Louis left her for some LA bish named Alpha (who ended up leaving his @** for his white drummer-oop.). 

Anyway, the story is beautifully written- by the infamous Aurin Squire & the production is SICKENING- NYC caliber, and the cast is filled with brilliantly talented boss workin' fools (myself included!). 

And now, the show is canceled because a few cast mates have Covid, which is NO surprise because...we're in unmasked Miami Beach during the holidays and surges are happening all over the country. Why? Because folks are over the pandemic and have a "YOU CAINT TELL ME WUT TA DO" American mentality. I admit, I've been in a few bars unmasked last month, because of the stress of putting up the show (more about THAAAT later) and wanting to let my hair down and be social. But I am also vaccinated (and as of Dec 21, boosted).

So I can either complain about shows being canceled and be CONSUMED by how I feel devalued by the theater company- orrrr, I can enjoy the peace of my beautiful living accommodations in Miami, with beautiful weather, a healthy family, happy friends and technology to connect us all!

Detroit Jazz Festival

 A dream just came true! I sang with some BAAAAAAAD cats in a JAZZ FESTIVAL...in my favorite US city! Kurt Elling and Dee Dee Bridgewater, a BIG BAND, in DETROIT!!!!

Yall, I've already been feeling bored and music-less in the Cultural Siberia that is LA, no hub or jazz scene, and the overrated-ness of...EVERYTHING. There is an invisible man made socio-economic hierachy and obsession with fame and celebrity that is BOUGHT. and somehow I FORGOT that I am a talented shining star living out there. So diving into  this glorious music and being surrounded by the work ethic of these JAZZ legends and keeping up and honestly, being used by God and singing and shining at 100% along with these other shiny musicians.....GOSH! I remember that I, too, am GREAT. For the first time, I feel WORTHY. I feel MORE than ABLE. There is an ease to what I finally understand as greatness. I know that the amount of energy and work I put in is more than GOOD enough.....IS THIS WHAT CONFIDENCE FEELS LIKE???

At the hotel, I know there were jazz legends and geniuses milling around and in the elevators, people who are legit famous because of their discography and sheer talent. And for the first time, I felt.....GROUNDED and not thrown of my center because of it. I saw them as human beings, I saw myself as a human being, and felt the connectivity of all of us. No one greater or worse.....I think I got a glimpse of heaven on earth! Of course I experienced that in DETROIT....

Detroit has such a sooooouuuuulllll about it that isn't in your face but so...RICH. It's rich and so authentic and even overlooked if you're truly not present. It's like effortless, like Paris. There's a grime like NYC but a downhome-iness that only the midwest can offer. 

Right now, my vision has manifested, I am in a "condo on the water" or a highrise hotel with the Detroit river view- overlooking Windsor Canada. Just feeling full and reeling with the excitement of singing and hanging with jazz musicians in the hotel lobby and chatting it up with musical greats like its nothing! As my heart grows fonder and fonder for the midwest, it grows colder for LA and I want to work on that. I realize the fondness is an internal feeling. 

How can I keep this inside and not have my external circumstances shake the peace and chill and overabundant love I feel right now?

Emotional support Kitties

(written 1/29/21)

 "Ye, tho I walk through the Valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me. Thy rod & thy staff comfort me"

"For a day in thy courts is better than a thousand elsewhere. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than to dwell in the tents of wickedness"

These are the scriptures that have been on repeat and helping me through my living situation in the San Fernando Valley. While I was here, I met an empty pit of cold anger. This was far from what I have desired. Where I sought community and warm, I found isolation & coldness. Where I hoped for kindness & peace, I found animosity & war. And I have no one to blame but myself. I understand the power of intuition. It is the spiritual compass to help us navigate this material dense world. Anytime you go against it, you suffer. Periodt. If I even feel a hunch, GO WITH IT. By any means necessary. Just as you can't squeeze water out of a rock, it is impossible to seek Love without the presence of God. If you can find Him in your surroundings, Go where He is, and it is almost always within. 

I have felt deep sadness, my regrets, bitterness, sorrow, rage, anger, and overall, I came face to face with my darkest fears living here. And what did I find? The balm of forgiveness, unbotheredness, the power of emotional calm, and the confidence of Christ. I am also so so grateful for these 3 little flurry angels that kept me sane, company, entertained, and most of all, loved. When the absence of loving company & when the dense negative energy was too much to wade through (whether it was my own or others), those 3 little kitties knew the right time to steal cuddles or meow my heart back to health. When I was tempted by anger, bitterness, resentment and fear, God provided a tiny way out through the emotional support of these little kitties: (names have been changed)  Boona-the old wise one & character judge, Bruno -my main homie/King of cuddles), and BB- Princess of Cuddles. There was one more but we aint really connect like that. Wow...as much as I think i'm not a "cat lady", I didn't lose my mind with these 4 cats, although at times, it was annoying and itchy AF. Thankfully it is a big house so they were spread out. But as sit here, reflecting on my time here in the Valley, typing watching the last sunrise from this room, Boona is laying here, sharing her unconditional company. She was the first kitty to welcome me in this home and she is the last one to chill with me here. I didn't realize she slept under my bed last night *insert warm fuzzy feeling*. 

...at this moment, BB bursts in my room and Boona slowly moseys out. She jumps on my lap and attacks me with biscuits and purrs in her typical obnoxious way.I give her a solid 5 minutes then see her place her head down and suddenly stop. Then I smell booboo. At that moment I pick her up and promptly end the cuddle session. EAUX. They are still ANIMALS.

Anyway, there are still boxes I need to pick up but I'm grateful for the kitty cuddle morning session to send me off. The Bruno is going to be the hardest to leave...he was the most rambunctious and oh so vocal! 

I realize the gift of the pure spirits of animals and why they are truly emotional support being. Knowing that there were 3 here to keep my emotions in somewhat balance is a testament that "things truly are always working out for me".

2020 is about to be HINDESIGHT

 I widely woke up at 4:47am to the powerful thunderous Malibu winds. They called me to observe their power so I creeped to the window in the living room and I saw the trees dancing wildly! Yet the chairs were undisturbed. The winds represent change, transition, destruction and chaos. It makes sense that the end of such a torrential year would end like this. 

I have been in Los Angeles for One Year and One week today. During this year, I faced so many inner shadows/demons/blocks. There was GREAT GROWTH this year but it only came from GREAT ADVERSITY. I have cried more this year in LA than my years in NYC combined. I've lost myself, got lost in others and found myself. I felt trapped living in situations that were uncomfortable, extremely welcoming & extremely unwelcoming. 

I felt the pain of the collective. Dove into self healing, shadow work, and sitting in discomfort. I've discovered my limits and realized that I am actually never really alone. 

UGH, this year didn't go as planned. I ended up living with my boyfriend in Malibu the first half and living in a dark cold tense shared home filled with cats the second half. I had no car or job this entire year. I still feel like a stranger to LA, but as I quarantined in this new city for a year, I got so close to myself. I realized I thought I knew myself but I was so distracted that there were parts of me that went unnoticed. And this year I was able to face them.

As this year comes to a close, I have employment prospects, hope again, a new better flexible living arrangement, faced and overcame difficult confrontations...GOSH...I even had COVID and overcame it! My family and all my close friends stayed safe and healthy...my God, what a terrible year but I am a witness of God's Grace. Alleluia!

I've learned that: 

1. I can find and create beauty in ugly places

2. I must never ignore my gut/intuition/vibes

3. It's not about me

4. yet It is all me

5. Rest & stillness aren't laziness

6. The revolution is being internalized

7. Shadowwork doesn't mean living in your shadow

8. Emotions are constantly moving states

9. There is a lesson in everything

10. Forgiveness is a difficult self-care act

11. Faith is foundational

12. I got this.

Dying into the real now

 I finally have my office decorated. I feel like I accomplished something.

I did my hair...I like how it looks...its a tapered twist-out.  I'm figuring out how to transition out of this awkward phase and take a break from the weave.

My WiFi was slow and I kept dropping out of my Zoom calls (for acting class & giving voice lessons) and something snapped inside. My life is in shambles. Or at least it feels like it. 

I got off Instagram for a month because I was overwhelmed by the noise and the constant comparing. The month is almost over and I don't miss it. If anything, I can go on Twitter or Facebook. Its all the same.

But I got off in hopes to reconnect to something that felt real and natural and free from the millions of opinions of others. I feel a release of that burden.

But now I don't have an escape to scroll away too. I have to deal with the very real now.  

What is the "real now"?

I am unemployed and have been this entire year. 

I have no clue about Los Angeles culture yet I've been here for 8 months already.

I've had less than 5 auditions all year

I feel myself getting older...I'm getting closer and closer to 40

I don't own anything

My student loans are growing

I'm homesick

Nothing is familiar

People are dying everywhere

No one has the answers

My WiFi is spotty

I feel like a failure right now. I'm disappointed with what I see online about this society. And I haven't danced or sang in what feels like forever. It feels like I am dying.

But what I am grateful for is to breathe without a ventilator. 

Broadway is Closed for the REST of the year...

...and I hope "IT" simmers & burns in an atoning fire . "IT" being the elitism, politics, racist history, money driven creative decisions, recycled list of favorite performers, inaccessibility for all socioeconomic audiences, the lack of diversity, fearing for job security within the job, slim vision of ethnicity, and overall datedness of it are burned to ashes. Then like a phoenix from the ashes, Broadway reemerges completely transformed into a new creation that is inclusive, creative, diverse,  transformed and accessible for all people, with BIPOC owned theaters, producers, writers, creative teams, and fresh ideas. Setting a new model for American Musical Theater for a new society. AMEN.

Or, it will just resume, business as usual. *kanye shrug*

Whoa! but wasn't Broadway always my dream? YES....but once I peeked behind the curtain when I was graced with an opportunity to sing & dance in a couple houses, it was much harder and more complicated than I thought. I understood the caliber of greatness & the level of ferocious talent that is required but I also found so many layers & politics on so many levels...and this underlying cut throat scarce energy that there isn't enough work for BIPOC actors and that the ones who DO make it are apart of an elite club but even within that club is the cut throated-ness of knowing that anyone is replaceable chokes the feeling of joyful ease knowing that your work is enough...*gasps*...perhaps, this is my own fear. Perhaps I am just heartbroken from one to many rejections from Broadway auditions after seeing so many friends get shows I was passed up for time and time again, only to lose faith in myself... sigh...I am working on that in my therapy, but I have to say, the culture doesn't really foster that well-beingness.

 BUT...lest I forget, it's the JOY of the WORK, Allison. Its MY personal experience of sharing what it means to be a human being, my unique perspective, and the telling & living that experience...THAT is the art. That is the work. The artful sharing of the experience of what it means to be a human being. AND GEEZ, I cannot put all that responsibility in Broadway. I can't put all that responsibility in plays and musicals and shows that aren't written or created with MY life experience and personality in mind. I have only played characters that I saw outside of myself. In BOTH Broadway shows, I was replacing an actress and/or playing someone who already existed. I was fitting the mold in a sense, and I am learning as a student of acting that it is our duty to bring OURSELVES authentically  & consistently to the role. Not just as an artist but as an Allison....

***stares off into existential wonder**

The most sophisticated slavery EVER.

I found a cause to stand behind. ACLU-American Civil Liberties Union, for prison reform, and the H.R. 40 Bill.  Repairing the effects of the institution of slavery is the major change...restoring human dignity and welfare for the most vulnerable. Prison is modern slavery. Voter suppression, basic dignity for all non-white people.

THE SEED OF AMERICAN SIN IS THE INSTITUTION OF SLAVERY.  All ills spring from this.  When we take a sober look at the institution of slavery and study its effects on institutions today, we will have clarity to acknowledge it & repair it. Every cultural grievance was acknowledged and reconciled and repaired in some way: The Germans with the Jews, Apartheid in South Africa--America is younger than both of these countries. There is growth possible-but is it progressive postive growth or is it like the growth of a virus? Sankofa tells us we must look and understand out past to move forward. 

I consider myself like a war medic. I support my comrades on the frontlines but I feel led to be like a pit stop/ tire change/ fueling stations. Ever reminding us to recharge, release, reset, and heal. To be mindful that our hearts aren't hardening in this marathon to freedom. Otherwise we become poisoned by the very hate we are fighting against. The radical act of alchemy.  How can we use this poison as medicine? 

I also believe its time that our allies join the fight. This curse is not just in the bloodlines of the African descendants, but it's also in the bloodlines of the colonizers, the bloodlines of the cowboys who murdered the first American nations, the Puritan bloodline, the slave owner and overseer bloodlines. There is the seed of hatred that runs through the bloodlines and it must be seen, exorcised and healed. Our healed white human brothers and sisters must care for their own who are lost in ignorance. It is their turn as well to end these generational curses and plant seeds of a new way of considering human life. 

And Black people, we must become the people we desire to be seen as. WHOLE. HEALTHY. FREE.

We are no different than our brothers and sisters in prison but their institution is made of steel. Their guards keep them in a state of disempowerment and fear. Nothing is set in prison for healthy being or growth. It is a holding container for dehumanization and free labor. It is NOT a place for forgiveness, rehabilitation, and healing. How we treat our criminals reflects our true nature. When we make the bars invisible and mental, when we give the illusion of freedom but the guards are now in banks, police stations, retail shops, public service organizations, and funded privately, are we really free? Or are we in the most sophisticated prison system of all time?

There are new slave masters. And as much as Nate Turner & Harriet Tubman were needed, once we are physically free, how will we freed from the mental institution of slavery?

IIIINNNNNNHAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEE

*hold*

EEEEXXXXXHHHHHAAAAAAAAALLLLLEEEEEEEEE

Collective racial trauma & my part in the movement.

Over this past weekend another Black man was lynched by police but in an extraordinarily cruel way, by kneeling. A white man kneeled on a black man to kill him on Memorial Day.

What else can I say about this?

That this is generational white trauma expressing itself. The same people who rode into town wearing white robes and  burning crosses and shouting their propaganda to save the Aryan race in America have passed down their belief systems and opinions to the following generations.This belief has been fortified and has become more sophisticated. It's no longer as blatant as wearing sheets and torches  on horses and burning crosses, but it more subtle and backed by institutions. It's now board meetings and policy writers, the sheets are now uniforms and suits and EVEN regular clothes now. 

.

..weeks later...

The streets in every single state in America are filled with protests. The lynching of George Floyd set the momentum of collective fed up-ness...Black Lives Matter marches start up again. Not only are we in the middle of recovering from a pandemic but now we are breaking the Quarantine and Stay-Home effect by spilling into the streets. LA had over 100,000 people in the streets. I was ignited to see so many people coming together for a cause but also triggered by seeing so many people coming together during a pandemic. I honor that spirit for standing for something in the face of a health threat. I have that in me but instead of taking to the streets this time (I have had my fair share of marches and protests) I want to dive deeper into wellness and solution based modalities. I want to dive in the architecture of this NEW America everyone is fighting for. What does it even look like? What is the mindset and mentality? What has died and what is the replacement? I'm all about the FIGHT, I have a warrior spirit- in spite my gentle friendly demeanor, I feel a ferocious warrior inside always ready for battle. I want to hone in my spirit to make sure that it is ALWAYS the GOOD fight, untainted by ego's urges and fears. 

In this quarantine, I realized that so much surfaced. So many ugly outdated thought patterns and belief systems that were deeply engrained in the fabric of my being. I felt sorrow because I realized that those coping mechanism, belief systems and thought patterns that genuinely worked so long for me, no longer serve me and they are actually NOW detrimental to my growth. Coping mechanisms like completely distancing in order to protect myself ( not feeling safe), believing that I am here for others and to be a joyous servant solely for other people's comfort and happiness, and the MotherLoad: wanting to please EVERYONE. Belief systems are engrained deeply in our circuitry, it influences our thoughts, emotions, and actions. In a sense it creates who we are- our personality. As endearing and unique these things may be, they aren't truly WHO WE ARE. We are ever changing every evolving beings- capable of the worst and the best. I truly now understand what it means to be the captain of your ship. I have no control over anyone outside of myself, and GET THIS, no one has any control over me in return. That is terrifying because WHO do we put the responsibility on?-Ourselves. and because of that, it is FREEING...

Happy Earth Day/End of Times Blues

Happy Earth Day. I posted a fuzzy Earthy thing on IG. I’m sure there will be tons of hashtags for EarthDay2020 and meditation on saving the earth but what better gift to Earth is this quarantine? We’ve done enough damage.

Ugh, today, I’m so bored. and irritated. And I feel dry and crusty. My guts are expanding from all the pasta and full thanksgiving-esque dinners I’ve been making and eating everyday. I’m tired of wearing PJs and I’m tired of my hair looking crazy, and I’m tired of not having anything to do or trying to find things to do. I’m tired of the pressure I’m putting on myself to do something important and substantial to be “ready” whenever this quarantine is over. I’m tired of wondering WTF is happening to the world and thinking about mortality and the state of the country. Did I mention I’m tired.

I admit I have been pretty productive, overall. Maybe I just need to allow myself to have a lazy day…but I feel like I am lazy everyday…Ugh…i dont even know….just pouting and complaining. Thought that blogging would make me feel better or that I would get to the bottom of this by writing it out buuuuuuut…..yea, no, I’m still irritated.

Well…maybe a percentage less now…

FIN.