Just got off work. Yes I’m working. A temp job this week as a receptionist at a real estate/textile company. Old New York. It’s corporate. Fluorescent. Dusty yet strong. I feel like I’m turning off my talent for money. But I made it through the day. At least I can offer my smile to the people. Energy is everything.
I get off work. Head uptown to my September bougie sublet that I can’t afford. Heart aching for a jazz musician that I have fallen head over heels for… again. Is this a pattern? Falling for an emotionally unavailable genius child? I write a farewell letter to him in the spirt realm in an attempt to reconcile my unrequited love. As an attempt to save myself from being heartbroken and bitter towards love.
I step into my over budget apartment to record two auditions one for me and one for my friend. We are so gifted. It’s only a matter of time. But in the back of my mind, my soul is broken from so many rejections. So many no’s. Am I a has been?
I step out to a harlem bar up the skreet to meet a friend and it’s an open mic. Hungry for music, I sing a long with the crowd- all singing the parts like a jaded overly enthusiastic gospel choir. Complete with the runs but empty with meaning. Only hoping to be heard but not listening. Egotistical & judgmental. I’m invited to sing and I sing Be Happy and Feel Like Making Love bc I am Sad and don't believe in love… only to have cold shoulders thrown. Silence and continued conversation. No energy at all. I felt like I might as well have been boo’d off the Apollo stage. I’ve never felt so less than from a club full of people. How can a collective be so energy draining? WasI that awful?? The 3% of confidence i had left from constant rejection from my auditions was snuffed out. As the song ended no one clapped or even acknowledged my existence. I’m so tired of being overlooked, rejected, ignored in every part of my life. This set it off for me. I just want a win. And the amount of apathy & judgment I felt from these Black Americans in this little Harlem dive bar sucked out the remaining joy and confidence I was clinging too.
I walked home utterly depleted. From a 9-6 lifeless shift. To a 7-9 audition self tape. To a 10-11 confidence killing night. The familiar comfortable option of suicide appears. Maybe my best years are behind me and I don’t have what it takes to make a difference or impact in the world anymore. My leaving is no different than my staying.
But what if my soul? I already feel like a ghost. Lost and lingering in this world. Lead on yet Forgotten by God. Waiting tirelessly for nothing.
Ugh..I want to go home.
update:
Harlem ain't so bad after all...
