Happy Earth Day/End of Times Blues

Happy Earth Day. I posted a fuzzy Earthy thing on IG. I’m sure there will be tons of hashtags for EarthDay2020 and meditation on saving the earth but what better gift to Earth is this quarantine? We’ve done enough damage.

Ugh, today, I’m so bored. and irritated. And I feel dry and crusty. My guts are expanding from all the pasta and full thanksgiving-esque dinners I’ve been making and eating everyday. I’m tired of wearing PJs and I’m tired of my hair looking crazy, and I’m tired of not having anything to do or trying to find things to do. I’m tired of the pressure I’m putting on myself to do something important and substantial to be “ready” whenever this quarantine is over. I’m tired of wondering WTF is happening to the world and thinking about mortality and the state of the country. Did I mention I’m tired.

I admit I have been pretty productive, overall. Maybe I just need to allow myself to have a lazy day…but I feel like I am lazy everyday…Ugh…i dont even know….just pouting and complaining. Thought that blogging would make me feel better or that I would get to the bottom of this by writing it out buuuuuuut…..yea, no, I’m still irritated.

Well…maybe a percentage less now…

FIN.

Month Two of Quarantine: Political Jesus, Zoom Life, Breaking Blocks, & Breakfast with demons

originally posted: April 11, 2020

Update:

I’m deeply seeped in global history for the first time. Thanks to Netflix, I binged The Last Czars, documentaries about the Roman Empire, and wondering where the documentaries are on the kingdoms in Africa, other a blip of the Anthony & Cleopatra with actors that resemble a Greek American couple.

But what has intrigued me the most is the story of Jesus…politically! Its intriguing to see how the fight of ultimate power is the root of all empirical rise & fall. I understand the political reason behind the crucifixion of Jesus. His message of social equality, the elimination of social hierarchy and not needing to be wealthy or of a certain class to have a direct connection w the divine threatened all of what the Roman Empire stood for. The Roman Empire was so powerful, they had officials and police in Jerusalem to enforce Roman power over them. Jesus’ message and gospel gave a spiritual & social freedom to a ppl who were oppressed by this Empirical law. A law that believed their governing leader was Godlike. Jesus posed a threat to those in religious & political power. He was also seen as blasphemous bc his message was the opposite of what the religious and political order of the time was. He was preaching enlightenment to the people during the most oppressive times.Jesus was planting the seeds of a spiritual revolution in a sense that allowed ppl to see that healing power and connection to the divine was MORE than within arms reach, it was within us #thekingdomofgodiswithin not in Roman power or the Temples. Imagine if that idea latched on to the people, what would BECOME of the Roman Empire? That is one of the reasons they believed Jesus HAD to be crucified/ assassinated. To maintain the power over the ppl so they wouldn’t have these ideas in their head. From this understanding of Jesus politically, His identity, mission, purpose on this Earth makes complete sense to me.

I’ve used Zoom twice, once for a virtual play about a Zoom gathering during the quarantine and something was heading East, causing the players to mysteriously disconnect one by one. Kinda close to home but really exciting to participate in a virtual performance with others. Also celebrated Passover for the first time via Zoom.

I’m using this time to stay off the news as much as I can, yet staying vigilant and informed. I’m also learning to flow creatively. Sharing my gifts of singing, comedy, movement, like the world is going to end. Instead of sharing my ideas like an IV drip, I’m inviting spirit to flow like the current she is. Its like I subconsciously removed this creative block…or maybe I have nothing to blame my block on anymore but me. Plus boredom and stir craziness breeds creativity up the wazoo!

LASTLY: The distractions of all my demons and insecurities are gone. I’m comfortably sitting at the table with all my neuroses & fears. I literally had a lovely early morning breakfast sipping on coffee with my fear of death. I finally had space to allow it to truly unfold and chat with it with my lovely partner who gave me some healing and useful insight. I’ve come to the resolution that all I have control over is how I feel about it, how I am living my internal life, and that when my time comes, I hope to be in a place of peace and comfort for it. I want to view it as beautiful instead of terrifying. As a part of an eternal experience of existence through different levels of being consciousness. I believe that heaven and hell are the places we will “exist” when all the material distractions have dematerialized. I didnt realize how fearful I have been living, fearful or not doing enough, or doing “it right”, not being “enough”—which now sounds absolutely ABSURD. When I ask myself, enough of what? If I can’t make peace with who and what I am, that is a constant state of distress or dis-ease of being! The antidote…the solution…the rest…the healing…can only come from within. Of course this amazing world , full of life and remedies, themes and seasons, prophets, and characters, the VIVIDRY of this world provides all the inspiration, paint and materials to use. How do we know which ones to use? By the heart. The actual physical feeling that emanates from the heart. Still not sure? Think of a time where you felt amazing, “in love”, in awe, grateful, GOOOOOD. That’s the feeling. It is our job to master our constantly churning mind to assist THIS feeling, not destroy it. Unless we secretly enjoy feeling bad. Through meditation, right thinking, right action, right doing. Hmmm, I’m sounding like an Eastern philosopher….now as a disclaimer, I understand there are instances where there are actual chemical imbalances and illnesses in our brain that we can’t meditate or pray away. We are lucky to live in a time that has pills that can interact without our help with the electrical firing in our brains. We are in the information age as well as having spiritual knowledge readily accessible. The point is, we have the power of choice even with our thoughts and actions. We aren’t victims.

I’m not a victim.

Apocalypse 2020: Week One

originally posted: March 20, 2020

The country is on lockdown y’all! What?? We are all on quarantine because of a pandemic virus called #coronavirus aka Covid-19! The governor of California shutdown everything that isn’t a grocery story or pharmacy. 40 million people ordered to stay inside for 2 weeks or more. Some people are predicting until June/July. This is our new normal- it feels like a nightmare/movie, but its real. And the reality of it all hit me like a ton of bricks after this epic nightmare/dream I had last night:

The dream was in two parts. The first part was about a really close friend of mine who had “actualized”. Meaning, everything that he wanted to do and become, he just…DID IT, and was living in this amazing condo with awards and albums released. I was so genuinely happy for him, my heart was so full. He looked me in the eyes with tears, grateful and said you can do this too Allison…but I felt like I had a pile of energetic mess, like dirty laundry I had to clean and fold and put away to even be able to see where to start. I felt trapped in my own inner mess.

I woke up and then went back to sleep and the second part of the dream felt like I was living in the world created by all my subconscious fears. Like a personal Hell. I was living in this reality that was like what I imagined communist China to be. Everyone was working individually yet together in their specific roles towards this huge synchronized social performance-like Shen Yun- or something. Everyone was an “influencer” and had their lives in order, like perfectly oiled machine lives. But I was trapped in my messy hotel room looking through dirty piles for ONE sock so I could join the action!!  The Stage Manager knocked on my door to tell me I needed to report to the rehearsal hall because it was beginning in 20 minutes and all of the country was there but me. It was awful! I just couldnt get my ish together! And I found out that missing sock was on my foot the whole time.

I woke up from this dream feeling like I trapped in my mess, unorganized while EVERYONE around me had it all figured out. I’ve felt like I have been paralyzed to create – my own channel, my own music, my OWN whatever– because it wasn’t going to be as good as everyone i saw on IG or the influencers I saw. Ironically, these INFLUENCERS only strike up my insecurity in my own talents. When I see them, it feels  like I missed the bus to be create on my own.  I realize that the “mess” is all internal subconscious fear, trauma or whatever you wanna call it, thats crowding what already IS.

Yes ,if I just start making music again or start a live channel, I’m not going to have 10K followers immediately like most of my friends. I may just have a solid 5 people. BUT F*CK FOLLOWERS! I’m not here to gain the world. Its not about numbers, its about MY OWN CREATIVITY as a Creative BEING! These influencers are no different than me, they aren’t just BORN better people, more special or more talented. They just have GUTS to INVEST in theirselves. They don’t get caught up in comparing what others are doing or what they think they are supposed to be doing. I need to give myself permission to SUCK. I want to remind myself that I create NOT to gain followers and for people to LIKE me and Validate me, but to create because I love it and because I am CREATIVE. I’ve been paralyzed because I’m just so deathly afraid to not be accepted or liked enough. This is such an old outdated story and I am burying right now. R.I.P.

BACK to the reality of this Quarantine….

It hit me that this is the NEW NORMAL. At least for now. That we all are forced to stay inside and essentially forced to GO INSIDE-INTERNALLY. To face our viruses within and heal them. There is no escape. No distraction. We must look at the inner world we have created and ask ourselves, is this what I want to live in? Am I the type of person I want to live as? What can I work on? What have I been ignoring or procrastinating working on? For me, its creating and clearing the junk. I’ve been an amazing puppet of other peoples projects. I love it, helping bringing other peoples visions to life, but what about my own? Now that I have no-one to work for, i have to work for myself now.

I’m so sorry I put you on the back burner- Allie Dee. I’m sorry I put other people’s opinions and expectations before your heart. I’m sorry I compared other people’s success and end results to your beginning steps. That scared you from even BEGINNING! The first steps of anything are sacred and can be shaky. I’m sorry I was so freaking MEAN to you in my self talk. I’m sorry for being afraid to stand up for you and here’s the kicker: Being everyone else’s Cheerleader but MY OWN.

WHOA…This feels Apocalyptic. The end of a way of living  and thinking that has been creating a bigger and bigger energetic mess inside. Blocking me from who I am at my core. I’m using this quarantine to strip my inner mess away: donate, dump, or keep. I’m being brutally yet lovingly honest with myself and I’m finding that as space clears, I’m seeing glimpses of who I really am.

Its like I’m remembering myself again.

I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.