I'm staying in Miami for an extra week after the A Wonderful World run. I didn't want to rush back to California just yet. It's never really felt like home yet. The only person who really has made it feel like home was my boyfriend but we are breaking up...or I suppose we already are. He's kinda dragging it out. We both knew that something was off and I would talk about it and he would cover it up with a veneer of a smile and what he called "hope". But I would rather be honest about something. If it isn't working, it's okay. But I felt like I was going crazy because he would be ignoring all the signs and I was blinded by all the signs. In every relationship, we learn about ourselves. I learned that I love to be held and loved tenderly but that I also value honesty and require emotional stability. But I realize that also, no one can make you happy, you can be in the "best" of situations and still be miserable...I found joy in the most simple humble situations, and that I need to work on my relationship with myself and the God within first and foremost. Everything will stem from my inner relationship. There are a lot of moving parts when two people come together and the ingredients may or may not work with one another. Peanut butter and oysters are delicious but not together. He's asking for time to think about what's next with me but he's is already happy and content with his life on his own. I want to be THERE. Happy and content with my own life. So then a relationship is a CHERRY on top! Gone are the days where a relationship adds sense and stability to my life. I was looking for stability and purpose and completion in a relationship...why? Because I was instable and not complete within. So I looked without!
Sigh...I just got off the phone with my mother and she is so esoteric. I am grateful to come from her, she has so much wisdom and even near 40, I feel like I need her guidance more than ever. She reminds me that there is more than life than our limitations. Wisdom just flows out of her like a waterfall and sometime I need to come up for air to digest the gems. Thank you God.
I planned a boat ride. I didn't want to leave Miami with this amazing cast without spending time outside of rehearsal with them and on some water. It was a ghetto mess organizing it, people not paying, not responding, dropping out and the very last minute. Once we saw the yacht, it was underwhelming, and I was drowned by everyone's complaints but those voices were the loudest. I didn't realize that some people were fine with it. We eventually took off and the ride was a breeze...but I will never host a group gathering alone again. My headache was so sharp and constant the rest of the evening, I wondered if it was actually more stressful to have it. I learned a valuable lesson or two. God is in the midst of everything. The people who cancelled would have HATED the ride and been miserable, the people who came were the perfect combination of folks. That things always work out, and that I am stronger than I think. My strength always surprises me.
I realize that my confidence is quiet, I'm not a proud person. The world seems full of people with puffed out chests and enlarged egos and when I try to "compete", I feel drained and tense. I just want to flow like water. The energy out here is intense. I feel pushed aside, insignificant, less than but I know that I am NOT those things. I am God's favorite one. His precious beloved. My valuable is divinely locked and no thing or being can alter my position in God's eyes. But this is something I have to remember, regardless of how people treat me. I finally understand and feel racial discrimination. I understand and feel the hatred towards black women more than ever in Miami. I don't understand because we are one of the most magically beings on Earth. My soul feels beaten and battered here. Even after starring in a profoundly Black musical here, literally next door from the theater, I was disrespected simply because of my identity. I finally understand how it feels, Ive been protected by racial bias, being lighter complexioned and growing up in a liberal racially diverse and tolerant neighborhood. I don't know how to thrive and shine in such thick darkness sometimes. I've been crying so much these last few days. Releasing pented up emotions, deeply rooted fear, of being alone and abandoned in this cruel world. I've never wished for Heaven more than now but I'm also in awe of the miracle of this flash of life I am in. My emotions and thoughts are as deep and expansive as the ocean. And while I am experiencing and releasing a lot of emotions, I have a deep knowing that I am where I am supposed to be. This solitude is beautiful, not terrifying. It holds all things. And to enjoy the chaos because there is actually no right side up anymore. My truth North is when peace settles in my heart.
