Omichristmas in Miami

Today is the Winter Solstice. 

I'm in sunny Miami opening a show ironically called "A Wonderful World" about Louis Armstrong. Playing his second wife from Chicago, Lilian Hardin, the one who polished him up from a country bumpkin to the "World's Greatest Trumpet Player in the World". She was a bad bougie classically trained musician who was overlooked but rolled with the big dawgs. Of course, Louis left her for some LA bish named Alpha (who ended up leaving his @** for his white drummer-oop.). 

Anyway, the story is beautifully written- by the infamous Aurin Squire & the production is SICKENING- NYC caliber, and the cast is filled with brilliantly talented boss workin' fools (myself included!). 

And now, the show is canceled because a few cast mates have Covid, which is NO surprise because...we're in unmasked Miami Beach during the holidays and surges are happening all over the country. Why? Because folks are over the pandemic and have a "YOU CAINT TELL ME WUT TA DO" American mentality. I admit, I've been in a few bars unmasked last month, because of the stress of putting up the show (more about THAAAT later) and wanting to let my hair down and be social. But I am also vaccinated (and as of Dec 21, boosted).

So I can either complain about shows being canceled and be CONSUMED by how I feel devalued by the theater company- orrrr, I can enjoy the peace of my beautiful living accommodations in Miami, with beautiful weather, a healthy family, happy friends and technology to connect us all!

Detroit Jazz Festival

 A dream just came true! I sang with some BAAAAAAAD cats in a JAZZ FESTIVAL...in my favorite US city! Kurt Elling and Dee Dee Bridgewater, a BIG BAND, in DETROIT!!!!

Yall, I've already been feeling bored and music-less in the Cultural Siberia that is LA, no hub or jazz scene, and the overrated-ness of...EVERYTHING. There is an invisible man made socio-economic hierachy and obsession with fame and celebrity that is BOUGHT. and somehow I FORGOT that I am a talented shining star living out there. So diving into  this glorious music and being surrounded by the work ethic of these JAZZ legends and keeping up and honestly, being used by God and singing and shining at 100% along with these other shiny musicians.....GOSH! I remember that I, too, am GREAT. For the first time, I feel WORTHY. I feel MORE than ABLE. There is an ease to what I finally understand as greatness. I know that the amount of energy and work I put in is more than GOOD enough.....IS THIS WHAT CONFIDENCE FEELS LIKE???

At the hotel, I know there were jazz legends and geniuses milling around and in the elevators, people who are legit famous because of their discography and sheer talent. And for the first time, I felt.....GROUNDED and not thrown of my center because of it. I saw them as human beings, I saw myself as a human being, and felt the connectivity of all of us. No one greater or worse.....I think I got a glimpse of heaven on earth! Of course I experienced that in DETROIT....

Detroit has such a sooooouuuuulllll about it that isn't in your face but so...RICH. It's rich and so authentic and even overlooked if you're truly not present. It's like effortless, like Paris. There's a grime like NYC but a downhome-iness that only the midwest can offer. 

Right now, my vision has manifested, I am in a "condo on the water" or a highrise hotel with the Detroit river view- overlooking Windsor Canada. Just feeling full and reeling with the excitement of singing and hanging with jazz musicians in the hotel lobby and chatting it up with musical greats like its nothing! As my heart grows fonder and fonder for the midwest, it grows colder for LA and I want to work on that. I realize the fondness is an internal feeling. 

How can I keep this inside and not have my external circumstances shake the peace and chill and overabundant love I feel right now?

Emotional support Kitties

(written 1/29/21)

 "Ye, tho I walk through the Valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me. Thy rod & thy staff comfort me"

"For a day in thy courts is better than a thousand elsewhere. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than to dwell in the tents of wickedness"

These are the scriptures that have been on repeat and helping me through my living situation in the San Fernando Valley. While I was here, I met an empty pit of cold anger. This was far from what I have desired. Where I sought community and warm, I found isolation & coldness. Where I hoped for kindness & peace, I found animosity & war. And I have no one to blame but myself. I understand the power of intuition. It is the spiritual compass to help us navigate this material dense world. Anytime you go against it, you suffer. Periodt. If I even feel a hunch, GO WITH IT. By any means necessary. Just as you can't squeeze water out of a rock, it is impossible to seek Love without the presence of God. If you can find Him in your surroundings, Go where He is, and it is almost always within. 

I have felt deep sadness, my regrets, bitterness, sorrow, rage, anger, and overall, I came face to face with my darkest fears living here. And what did I find? The balm of forgiveness, unbotheredness, the power of emotional calm, and the confidence of Christ. I am also so so grateful for these 3 little flurry angels that kept me sane, company, entertained, and most of all, loved. When the absence of loving company & when the dense negative energy was too much to wade through (whether it was my own or others), those 3 little kitties knew the right time to steal cuddles or meow my heart back to health. When I was tempted by anger, bitterness, resentment and fear, God provided a tiny way out through the emotional support of these little kitties: (names have been changed)  Boona-the old wise one & character judge, Bruno -my main homie/King of cuddles), and BB- Princess of Cuddles. There was one more but we aint really connect like that. Wow...as much as I think i'm not a "cat lady", I didn't lose my mind with these 4 cats, although at times, it was annoying and itchy AF. Thankfully it is a big house so they were spread out. But as sit here, reflecting on my time here in the Valley, typing watching the last sunrise from this room, Boona is laying here, sharing her unconditional company. She was the first kitty to welcome me in this home and she is the last one to chill with me here. I didn't realize she slept under my bed last night *insert warm fuzzy feeling*. 

...at this moment, BB bursts in my room and Boona slowly moseys out. She jumps on my lap and attacks me with biscuits and purrs in her typical obnoxious way.I give her a solid 5 minutes then see her place her head down and suddenly stop. Then I smell booboo. At that moment I pick her up and promptly end the cuddle session. EAUX. They are still ANIMALS.

Anyway, there are still boxes I need to pick up but I'm grateful for the kitty cuddle morning session to send me off. The Bruno is going to be the hardest to leave...he was the most rambunctious and oh so vocal! 

I realize the gift of the pure spirits of animals and why they are truly emotional support being. Knowing that there were 3 here to keep my emotions in somewhat balance is a testament that "things truly are always working out for me".

2020 is about to be HINDESIGHT

 I widely woke up at 4:47am to the powerful thunderous Malibu winds. They called me to observe their power so I creeped to the window in the living room and I saw the trees dancing wildly! Yet the chairs were undisturbed. The winds represent change, transition, destruction and chaos. It makes sense that the end of such a torrential year would end like this. 

I have been in Los Angeles for One Year and One week today. During this year, I faced so many inner shadows/demons/blocks. There was GREAT GROWTH this year but it only came from GREAT ADVERSITY. I have cried more this year in LA than my years in NYC combined. I've lost myself, got lost in others and found myself. I felt trapped living in situations that were uncomfortable, extremely welcoming & extremely unwelcoming. 

I felt the pain of the collective. Dove into self healing, shadow work, and sitting in discomfort. I've discovered my limits and realized that I am actually never really alone. 

UGH, this year didn't go as planned. I ended up living with my boyfriend in Malibu the first half and living in a dark cold tense shared home filled with cats the second half. I had no car or job this entire year. I still feel like a stranger to LA, but as I quarantined in this new city for a year, I got so close to myself. I realized I thought I knew myself but I was so distracted that there were parts of me that went unnoticed. And this year I was able to face them.

As this year comes to a close, I have employment prospects, hope again, a new better flexible living arrangement, faced and overcame difficult confrontations...GOSH...I even had COVID and overcame it! My family and all my close friends stayed safe and healthy...my God, what a terrible year but I am a witness of God's Grace. Alleluia!

I've learned that: 

1. I can find and create beauty in ugly places

2. I must never ignore my gut/intuition/vibes

3. It's not about me

4. yet It is all me

5. Rest & stillness aren't laziness

6. The revolution is being internalized

7. Shadowwork doesn't mean living in your shadow

8. Emotions are constantly moving states

9. There is a lesson in everything

10. Forgiveness is a difficult self-care act

11. Faith is foundational

12. I got this.

Dying into the real now

 I finally have my office decorated. I feel like I accomplished something.

I did my hair...I like how it looks...its a tapered twist-out.  I'm figuring out how to transition out of this awkward phase and take a break from the weave.

My WiFi was slow and I kept dropping out of my Zoom calls (for acting class & giving voice lessons) and something snapped inside. My life is in shambles. Or at least it feels like it. 

I got off Instagram for a month because I was overwhelmed by the noise and the constant comparing. The month is almost over and I don't miss it. If anything, I can go on Twitter or Facebook. Its all the same.

But I got off in hopes to reconnect to something that felt real and natural and free from the millions of opinions of others. I feel a release of that burden.

But now I don't have an escape to scroll away too. I have to deal with the very real now.  

What is the "real now"?

I am unemployed and have been this entire year. 

I have no clue about Los Angeles culture yet I've been here for 8 months already.

I've had less than 5 auditions all year

I feel myself getting older...I'm getting closer and closer to 40

I don't own anything

My student loans are growing

I'm homesick

Nothing is familiar

People are dying everywhere

No one has the answers

My WiFi is spotty

I feel like a failure right now. I'm disappointed with what I see online about this society. And I haven't danced or sang in what feels like forever. It feels like I am dying.

But what I am grateful for is to breathe without a ventilator. 

Broadway is Closed for the REST of the year...

...and I hope "IT" simmers & burns in an atoning fire . "IT" being the elitism, politics, racist history, money driven creative decisions, recycled list of favorite performers, inaccessibility for all socioeconomic audiences, the lack of diversity, fearing for job security within the job, slim vision of ethnicity, and overall datedness of it are burned to ashes. Then like a phoenix from the ashes, Broadway reemerges completely transformed into a new creation that is inclusive, creative, diverse,  transformed and accessible for all people, with BIPOC owned theaters, producers, writers, creative teams, and fresh ideas. Setting a new model for American Musical Theater for a new society. AMEN.

Or, it will just resume, business as usual. *kanye shrug*

Whoa! but wasn't Broadway always my dream? YES....but once I peeked behind the curtain when I was graced with an opportunity to sing & dance in a couple houses, it was much harder and more complicated than I thought. I understood the caliber of greatness & the level of ferocious talent that is required but I also found so many layers & politics on so many levels...and this underlying cut throat scarce energy that there isn't enough work for BIPOC actors and that the ones who DO make it are apart of an elite club but even within that club is the cut throated-ness of knowing that anyone is replaceable chokes the feeling of joyful ease knowing that your work is enough...*gasps*...perhaps, this is my own fear. Perhaps I am just heartbroken from one to many rejections from Broadway auditions after seeing so many friends get shows I was passed up for time and time again, only to lose faith in myself... sigh...I am working on that in my therapy, but I have to say, the culture doesn't really foster that well-beingness.

 BUT...lest I forget, it's the JOY of the WORK, Allison. Its MY personal experience of sharing what it means to be a human being, my unique perspective, and the telling & living that experience...THAT is the art. That is the work. The artful sharing of the experience of what it means to be a human being. AND GEEZ, I cannot put all that responsibility in Broadway. I can't put all that responsibility in plays and musicals and shows that aren't written or created with MY life experience and personality in mind. I have only played characters that I saw outside of myself. In BOTH Broadway shows, I was replacing an actress and/or playing someone who already existed. I was fitting the mold in a sense, and I am learning as a student of acting that it is our duty to bring OURSELVES authentically  & consistently to the role. Not just as an artist but as an Allison....

***stares off into existential wonder**

The most sophisticated slavery EVER.

I found a cause to stand behind. ACLU-American Civil Liberties Union, for prison reform, and the H.R. 40 Bill.  Repairing the effects of the institution of slavery is the major change...restoring human dignity and welfare for the most vulnerable. Prison is modern slavery. Voter suppression, basic dignity for all non-white people.

THE SEED OF AMERICAN SIN IS THE INSTITUTION OF SLAVERY.  All ills spring from this.  When we take a sober look at the institution of slavery and study its effects on institutions today, we will have clarity to acknowledge it & repair it. Every cultural grievance was acknowledged and reconciled and repaired in some way: The Germans with the Jews, Apartheid in South Africa--America is younger than both of these countries. There is growth possible-but is it progressive postive growth or is it like the growth of a virus? Sankofa tells us we must look and understand out past to move forward. 

I consider myself like a war medic. I support my comrades on the frontlines but I feel led to be like a pit stop/ tire change/ fueling stations. Ever reminding us to recharge, release, reset, and heal. To be mindful that our hearts aren't hardening in this marathon to freedom. Otherwise we become poisoned by the very hate we are fighting against. The radical act of alchemy.  How can we use this poison as medicine? 

I also believe its time that our allies join the fight. This curse is not just in the bloodlines of the African descendants, but it's also in the bloodlines of the colonizers, the bloodlines of the cowboys who murdered the first American nations, the Puritan bloodline, the slave owner and overseer bloodlines. There is the seed of hatred that runs through the bloodlines and it must be seen, exorcised and healed. Our healed white human brothers and sisters must care for their own who are lost in ignorance. It is their turn as well to end these generational curses and plant seeds of a new way of considering human life. 

And Black people, we must become the people we desire to be seen as. WHOLE. HEALTHY. FREE.

We are no different than our brothers and sisters in prison but their institution is made of steel. Their guards keep them in a state of disempowerment and fear. Nothing is set in prison for healthy being or growth. It is a holding container for dehumanization and free labor. It is NOT a place for forgiveness, rehabilitation, and healing. How we treat our criminals reflects our true nature. When we make the bars invisible and mental, when we give the illusion of freedom but the guards are now in banks, police stations, retail shops, public service organizations, and funded privately, are we really free? Or are we in the most sophisticated prison system of all time?

There are new slave masters. And as much as Nate Turner & Harriet Tubman were needed, once we are physically free, how will we freed from the mental institution of slavery?

IIIINNNNNNHAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEE

*hold*

EEEEXXXXXHHHHHAAAAAAAAALLLLLEEEEEEEEE

Collective racial trauma & my part in the movement.

Over this past weekend another Black man was lynched by police but in an extraordinarily cruel way, by kneeling. A white man kneeled on a black man to kill him on Memorial Day.

What else can I say about this?

That this is generational white trauma expressing itself. The same people who rode into town wearing white robes and  burning crosses and shouting their propaganda to save the Aryan race in America have passed down their belief systems and opinions to the following generations.This belief has been fortified and has become more sophisticated. It's no longer as blatant as wearing sheets and torches  on horses and burning crosses, but it more subtle and backed by institutions. It's now board meetings and policy writers, the sheets are now uniforms and suits and EVEN regular clothes now. 

.

..weeks later...

The streets in every single state in America are filled with protests. The lynching of George Floyd set the momentum of collective fed up-ness...Black Lives Matter marches start up again. Not only are we in the middle of recovering from a pandemic but now we are breaking the Quarantine and Stay-Home effect by spilling into the streets. LA had over 100,000 people in the streets. I was ignited to see so many people coming together for a cause but also triggered by seeing so many people coming together during a pandemic. I honor that spirit for standing for something in the face of a health threat. I have that in me but instead of taking to the streets this time (I have had my fair share of marches and protests) I want to dive deeper into wellness and solution based modalities. I want to dive in the architecture of this NEW America everyone is fighting for. What does it even look like? What is the mindset and mentality? What has died and what is the replacement? I'm all about the FIGHT, I have a warrior spirit- in spite my gentle friendly demeanor, I feel a ferocious warrior inside always ready for battle. I want to hone in my spirit to make sure that it is ALWAYS the GOOD fight, untainted by ego's urges and fears. 

In this quarantine, I realized that so much surfaced. So many ugly outdated thought patterns and belief systems that were deeply engrained in the fabric of my being. I felt sorrow because I realized that those coping mechanism, belief systems and thought patterns that genuinely worked so long for me, no longer serve me and they are actually NOW detrimental to my growth. Coping mechanisms like completely distancing in order to protect myself ( not feeling safe), believing that I am here for others and to be a joyous servant solely for other people's comfort and happiness, and the MotherLoad: wanting to please EVERYONE. Belief systems are engrained deeply in our circuitry, it influences our thoughts, emotions, and actions. In a sense it creates who we are- our personality. As endearing and unique these things may be, they aren't truly WHO WE ARE. We are ever changing every evolving beings- capable of the worst and the best. I truly now understand what it means to be the captain of your ship. I have no control over anyone outside of myself, and GET THIS, no one has any control over me in return. That is terrifying because WHO do we put the responsibility on?-Ourselves. and because of that, it is FREEING...

Happy Earth Day/End of Times Blues

Happy Earth Day. I posted a fuzzy Earthy thing on IG. I’m sure there will be tons of hashtags for EarthDay2020 and meditation on saving the earth but what better gift to Earth is this quarantine? We’ve done enough damage.

Ugh, today, I’m so bored. and irritated. And I feel dry and crusty. My guts are expanding from all the pasta and full thanksgiving-esque dinners I’ve been making and eating everyday. I’m tired of wearing PJs and I’m tired of my hair looking crazy, and I’m tired of not having anything to do or trying to find things to do. I’m tired of the pressure I’m putting on myself to do something important and substantial to be “ready” whenever this quarantine is over. I’m tired of wondering WTF is happening to the world and thinking about mortality and the state of the country. Did I mention I’m tired.

I admit I have been pretty productive, overall. Maybe I just need to allow myself to have a lazy day…but I feel like I am lazy everyday…Ugh…i dont even know….just pouting and complaining. Thought that blogging would make me feel better or that I would get to the bottom of this by writing it out buuuuuuut…..yea, no, I’m still irritated.

Well…maybe a percentage less now…

FIN.

Month Two of Quarantine: Political Jesus, Zoom Life, Breaking Blocks, & Breakfast with demons

originally posted: April 11, 2020

Update:

I’m deeply seeped in global history for the first time. Thanks to Netflix, I binged The Last Czars, documentaries about the Roman Empire, and wondering where the documentaries are on the kingdoms in Africa, other a blip of the Anthony & Cleopatra with actors that resemble a Greek American couple.

But what has intrigued me the most is the story of Jesus…politically! Its intriguing to see how the fight of ultimate power is the root of all empirical rise & fall. I understand the political reason behind the crucifixion of Jesus. His message of social equality, the elimination of social hierarchy and not needing to be wealthy or of a certain class to have a direct connection w the divine threatened all of what the Roman Empire stood for. The Roman Empire was so powerful, they had officials and police in Jerusalem to enforce Roman power over them. Jesus’ message and gospel gave a spiritual & social freedom to a ppl who were oppressed by this Empirical law. A law that believed their governing leader was Godlike. Jesus posed a threat to those in religious & political power. He was also seen as blasphemous bc his message was the opposite of what the religious and political order of the time was. He was preaching enlightenment to the people during the most oppressive times.Jesus was planting the seeds of a spiritual revolution in a sense that allowed ppl to see that healing power and connection to the divine was MORE than within arms reach, it was within us #thekingdomofgodiswithin not in Roman power or the Temples. Imagine if that idea latched on to the people, what would BECOME of the Roman Empire? That is one of the reasons they believed Jesus HAD to be crucified/ assassinated. To maintain the power over the ppl so they wouldn’t have these ideas in their head. From this understanding of Jesus politically, His identity, mission, purpose on this Earth makes complete sense to me.

I’ve used Zoom twice, once for a virtual play about a Zoom gathering during the quarantine and something was heading East, causing the players to mysteriously disconnect one by one. Kinda close to home but really exciting to participate in a virtual performance with others. Also celebrated Passover for the first time via Zoom.

I’m using this time to stay off the news as much as I can, yet staying vigilant and informed. I’m also learning to flow creatively. Sharing my gifts of singing, comedy, movement, like the world is going to end. Instead of sharing my ideas like an IV drip, I’m inviting spirit to flow like the current she is. Its like I subconsciously removed this creative block…or maybe I have nothing to blame my block on anymore but me. Plus boredom and stir craziness breeds creativity up the wazoo!

LASTLY: The distractions of all my demons and insecurities are gone. I’m comfortably sitting at the table with all my neuroses & fears. I literally had a lovely early morning breakfast sipping on coffee with my fear of death. I finally had space to allow it to truly unfold and chat with it with my lovely partner who gave me some healing and useful insight. I’ve come to the resolution that all I have control over is how I feel about it, how I am living my internal life, and that when my time comes, I hope to be in a place of peace and comfort for it. I want to view it as beautiful instead of terrifying. As a part of an eternal experience of existence through different levels of being consciousness. I believe that heaven and hell are the places we will “exist” when all the material distractions have dematerialized. I didnt realize how fearful I have been living, fearful or not doing enough, or doing “it right”, not being “enough”—which now sounds absolutely ABSURD. When I ask myself, enough of what? If I can’t make peace with who and what I am, that is a constant state of distress or dis-ease of being! The antidote…the solution…the rest…the healing…can only come from within. Of course this amazing world , full of life and remedies, themes and seasons, prophets, and characters, the VIVIDRY of this world provides all the inspiration, paint and materials to use. How do we know which ones to use? By the heart. The actual physical feeling that emanates from the heart. Still not sure? Think of a time where you felt amazing, “in love”, in awe, grateful, GOOOOOD. That’s the feeling. It is our job to master our constantly churning mind to assist THIS feeling, not destroy it. Unless we secretly enjoy feeling bad. Through meditation, right thinking, right action, right doing. Hmmm, I’m sounding like an Eastern philosopher….now as a disclaimer, I understand there are instances where there are actual chemical imbalances and illnesses in our brain that we can’t meditate or pray away. We are lucky to live in a time that has pills that can interact without our help with the electrical firing in our brains. We are in the information age as well as having spiritual knowledge readily accessible. The point is, we have the power of choice even with our thoughts and actions. We aren’t victims.

I’m not a victim.

Apocalypse 2020: Week One

originally posted: March 20, 2020

The country is on lockdown y’all! What?? We are all on quarantine because of a pandemic virus called #coronavirus aka Covid-19! The governor of California shutdown everything that isn’t a grocery story or pharmacy. 40 million people ordered to stay inside for 2 weeks or more. Some people are predicting until June/July. This is our new normal- it feels like a nightmare/movie, but its real. And the reality of it all hit me like a ton of bricks after this epic nightmare/dream I had last night:

The dream was in two parts. The first part was about a really close friend of mine who had “actualized”. Meaning, everything that he wanted to do and become, he just…DID IT, and was living in this amazing condo with awards and albums released. I was so genuinely happy for him, my heart was so full. He looked me in the eyes with tears, grateful and said you can do this too Allison…but I felt like I had a pile of energetic mess, like dirty laundry I had to clean and fold and put away to even be able to see where to start. I felt trapped in my own inner mess.

I woke up and then went back to sleep and the second part of the dream felt like I was living in the world created by all my subconscious fears. Like a personal Hell. I was living in this reality that was like what I imagined communist China to be. Everyone was working individually yet together in their specific roles towards this huge synchronized social performance-like Shen Yun- or something. Everyone was an “influencer” and had their lives in order, like perfectly oiled machine lives. But I was trapped in my messy hotel room looking through dirty piles for ONE sock so I could join the action!!  The Stage Manager knocked on my door to tell me I needed to report to the rehearsal hall because it was beginning in 20 minutes and all of the country was there but me. It was awful! I just couldnt get my ish together! And I found out that missing sock was on my foot the whole time.

I woke up from this dream feeling like I trapped in my mess, unorganized while EVERYONE around me had it all figured out. I’ve felt like I have been paralyzed to create – my own channel, my own music, my OWN whatever– because it wasn’t going to be as good as everyone i saw on IG or the influencers I saw. Ironically, these INFLUENCERS only strike up my insecurity in my own talents. When I see them, it feels  like I missed the bus to be create on my own.  I realize that the “mess” is all internal subconscious fear, trauma or whatever you wanna call it, thats crowding what already IS.

Yes ,if I just start making music again or start a live channel, I’m not going to have 10K followers immediately like most of my friends. I may just have a solid 5 people. BUT F*CK FOLLOWERS! I’m not here to gain the world. Its not about numbers, its about MY OWN CREATIVITY as a Creative BEING! These influencers are no different than me, they aren’t just BORN better people, more special or more talented. They just have GUTS to INVEST in theirselves. They don’t get caught up in comparing what others are doing or what they think they are supposed to be doing. I need to give myself permission to SUCK. I want to remind myself that I create NOT to gain followers and for people to LIKE me and Validate me, but to create because I love it and because I am CREATIVE. I’ve been paralyzed because I’m just so deathly afraid to not be accepted or liked enough. This is such an old outdated story and I am burying right now. R.I.P.

BACK to the reality of this Quarantine….

It hit me that this is the NEW NORMAL. At least for now. That we all are forced to stay inside and essentially forced to GO INSIDE-INTERNALLY. To face our viruses within and heal them. There is no escape. No distraction. We must look at the inner world we have created and ask ourselves, is this what I want to live in? Am I the type of person I want to live as? What can I work on? What have I been ignoring or procrastinating working on? For me, its creating and clearing the junk. I’ve been an amazing puppet of other peoples projects. I love it, helping bringing other peoples visions to life, but what about my own? Now that I have no-one to work for, i have to work for myself now.

I’m so sorry I put you on the back burner- Allie Dee. I’m sorry I put other people’s opinions and expectations before your heart. I’m sorry I compared other people’s success and end results to your beginning steps. That scared you from even BEGINNING! The first steps of anything are sacred and can be shaky. I’m sorry I was so freaking MEAN to you in my self talk. I’m sorry for being afraid to stand up for you and here’s the kicker: Being everyone else’s Cheerleader but MY OWN.

WHOA…This feels Apocalyptic. The end of a way of living  and thinking that has been creating a bigger and bigger energetic mess inside. Blocking me from who I am at my core. I’m using this quarantine to strip my inner mess away: donate, dump, or keep. I’m being brutally yet lovingly honest with myself and I’m finding that as space clears, I’m seeing glimpses of who I really am.

Its like I’m remembering myself again.

I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.