The most sophisticated slavery EVER.

I found a cause to stand behind. ACLU-American Civil Liberties Union, for prison reform, and the H.R. 40 Bill.  Repairing the effects of the institution of slavery is the major change...restoring human dignity and welfare for the most vulnerable. Prison is modern slavery. Voter suppression, basic dignity for all non-white people.

THE SEED OF AMERICAN SIN IS THE INSTITUTION OF SLAVERY.  All ills spring from this.  When we take a sober look at the institution of slavery and study its effects on institutions today, we will have clarity to acknowledge it & repair it. Every cultural grievance was acknowledged and reconciled and repaired in some way: The Germans with the Jews, Apartheid in South Africa--America is younger than both of these countries. There is growth possible-but is it progressive postive growth or is it like the growth of a virus? Sankofa tells us we must look and understand out past to move forward. 

I consider myself like a war medic. I support my comrades on the frontlines but I feel led to be like a pit stop/ tire change/ fueling stations. Ever reminding us to recharge, release, reset, and heal. To be mindful that our hearts aren't hardening in this marathon to freedom. Otherwise we become poisoned by the very hate we are fighting against. The radical act of alchemy.  How can we use this poison as medicine? 

I also believe its time that our allies join the fight. This curse is not just in the bloodlines of the African descendants, but it's also in the bloodlines of the colonizers, the bloodlines of the cowboys who murdered the first American nations, the Puritan bloodline, the slave owner and overseer bloodlines. There is the seed of hatred that runs through the bloodlines and it must be seen, exorcised and healed. Our healed white human brothers and sisters must care for their own who are lost in ignorance. It is their turn as well to end these generational curses and plant seeds of a new way of considering human life. 

And Black people, we must become the people we desire to be seen as. WHOLE. HEALTHY. FREE.

We are no different than our brothers and sisters in prison but their institution is made of steel. Their guards keep them in a state of disempowerment and fear. Nothing is set in prison for healthy being or growth. It is a holding container for dehumanization and free labor. It is NOT a place for forgiveness, rehabilitation, and healing. How we treat our criminals reflects our true nature. When we make the bars invisible and mental, when we give the illusion of freedom but the guards are now in banks, police stations, retail shops, public service organizations, and funded privately, are we really free? Or are we in the most sophisticated prison system of all time?

There are new slave masters. And as much as Nate Turner & Harriet Tubman were needed, once we are physically free, how will we freed from the mental institution of slavery?

IIIINNNNNNHAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEE

*hold*

EEEEXXXXXHHHHHAAAAAAAAALLLLLEEEEEEEEE

Collective racial trauma & my part in the movement.

Over this past weekend another Black man was lynched by police but in an extraordinarily cruel way, by kneeling. A white man kneeled on a black man to kill him on Memorial Day.

What else can I say about this?

That this is generational white trauma expressing itself. The same people who rode into town wearing white robes and  burning crosses and shouting their propaganda to save the Aryan race in America have passed down their belief systems and opinions to the following generations.This belief has been fortified and has become more sophisticated. It's no longer as blatant as wearing sheets and torches  on horses and burning crosses, but it more subtle and backed by institutions. It's now board meetings and policy writers, the sheets are now uniforms and suits and EVEN regular clothes now. 

.

..weeks later...

The streets in every single state in America are filled with protests. The lynching of George Floyd set the momentum of collective fed up-ness...Black Lives Matter marches start up again. Not only are we in the middle of recovering from a pandemic but now we are breaking the Quarantine and Stay-Home effect by spilling into the streets. LA had over 100,000 people in the streets. I was ignited to see so many people coming together for a cause but also triggered by seeing so many people coming together during a pandemic. I honor that spirit for standing for something in the face of a health threat. I have that in me but instead of taking to the streets this time (I have had my fair share of marches and protests) I want to dive deeper into wellness and solution based modalities. I want to dive in the architecture of this NEW America everyone is fighting for. What does it even look like? What is the mindset and mentality? What has died and what is the replacement? I'm all about the FIGHT, I have a warrior spirit- in spite my gentle friendly demeanor, I feel a ferocious warrior inside always ready for battle. I want to hone in my spirit to make sure that it is ALWAYS the GOOD fight, untainted by ego's urges and fears. 

In this quarantine, I realized that so much surfaced. So many ugly outdated thought patterns and belief systems that were deeply engrained in the fabric of my being. I felt sorrow because I realized that those coping mechanism, belief systems and thought patterns that genuinely worked so long for me, no longer serve me and they are actually NOW detrimental to my growth. Coping mechanisms like completely distancing in order to protect myself ( not feeling safe), believing that I am here for others and to be a joyous servant solely for other people's comfort and happiness, and the MotherLoad: wanting to please EVERYONE. Belief systems are engrained deeply in our circuitry, it influences our thoughts, emotions, and actions. In a sense it creates who we are- our personality. As endearing and unique these things may be, they aren't truly WHO WE ARE. We are ever changing every evolving beings- capable of the worst and the best. I truly now understand what it means to be the captain of your ship. I have no control over anyone outside of myself, and GET THIS, no one has any control over me in return. That is terrifying because WHO do we put the responsibility on?-Ourselves. and because of that, it is FREEING...

Happy Earth Day/End of Times Blues

Happy Earth Day. I posted a fuzzy Earthy thing on IG. I’m sure there will be tons of hashtags for EarthDay2020 and meditation on saving the earth but what better gift to Earth is this quarantine? We’ve done enough damage.

Ugh, today, I’m so bored. and irritated. And I feel dry and crusty. My guts are expanding from all the pasta and full thanksgiving-esque dinners I’ve been making and eating everyday. I’m tired of wearing PJs and I’m tired of my hair looking crazy, and I’m tired of not having anything to do or trying to find things to do. I’m tired of the pressure I’m putting on myself to do something important and substantial to be “ready” whenever this quarantine is over. I’m tired of wondering WTF is happening to the world and thinking about mortality and the state of the country. Did I mention I’m tired.

I admit I have been pretty productive, overall. Maybe I just need to allow myself to have a lazy day…but I feel like I am lazy everyday…Ugh…i dont even know….just pouting and complaining. Thought that blogging would make me feel better or that I would get to the bottom of this by writing it out buuuuuuut…..yea, no, I’m still irritated.

Well…maybe a percentage less now…

FIN.

Month Two of Quarantine: Political Jesus, Zoom Life, Breaking Blocks, & Breakfast with demons

originally posted: April 11, 2020

Update:

I’m deeply seeped in global history for the first time. Thanks to Netflix, I binged The Last Czars, documentaries about the Roman Empire, and wondering where the documentaries are on the kingdoms in Africa, other a blip of the Anthony & Cleopatra with actors that resemble a Greek American couple.

But what has intrigued me the most is the story of Jesus…politically! Its intriguing to see how the fight of ultimate power is the root of all empirical rise & fall. I understand the political reason behind the crucifixion of Jesus. His message of social equality, the elimination of social hierarchy and not needing to be wealthy or of a certain class to have a direct connection w the divine threatened all of what the Roman Empire stood for. The Roman Empire was so powerful, they had officials and police in Jerusalem to enforce Roman power over them. Jesus’ message and gospel gave a spiritual & social freedom to a ppl who were oppressed by this Empirical law. A law that believed their governing leader was Godlike. Jesus posed a threat to those in religious & political power. He was also seen as blasphemous bc his message was the opposite of what the religious and political order of the time was. He was preaching enlightenment to the people during the most oppressive times.Jesus was planting the seeds of a spiritual revolution in a sense that allowed ppl to see that healing power and connection to the divine was MORE than within arms reach, it was within us #thekingdomofgodiswithin not in Roman power or the Temples. Imagine if that idea latched on to the people, what would BECOME of the Roman Empire? That is one of the reasons they believed Jesus HAD to be crucified/ assassinated. To maintain the power over the ppl so they wouldn’t have these ideas in their head. From this understanding of Jesus politically, His identity, mission, purpose on this Earth makes complete sense to me.

I’ve used Zoom twice, once for a virtual play about a Zoom gathering during the quarantine and something was heading East, causing the players to mysteriously disconnect one by one. Kinda close to home but really exciting to participate in a virtual performance with others. Also celebrated Passover for the first time via Zoom.

I’m using this time to stay off the news as much as I can, yet staying vigilant and informed. I’m also learning to flow creatively. Sharing my gifts of singing, comedy, movement, like the world is going to end. Instead of sharing my ideas like an IV drip, I’m inviting spirit to flow like the current she is. Its like I subconsciously removed this creative block…or maybe I have nothing to blame my block on anymore but me. Plus boredom and stir craziness breeds creativity up the wazoo!

LASTLY: The distractions of all my demons and insecurities are gone. I’m comfortably sitting at the table with all my neuroses & fears. I literally had a lovely early morning breakfast sipping on coffee with my fear of death. I finally had space to allow it to truly unfold and chat with it with my lovely partner who gave me some healing and useful insight. I’ve come to the resolution that all I have control over is how I feel about it, how I am living my internal life, and that when my time comes, I hope to be in a place of peace and comfort for it. I want to view it as beautiful instead of terrifying. As a part of an eternal experience of existence through different levels of being consciousness. I believe that heaven and hell are the places we will “exist” when all the material distractions have dematerialized. I didnt realize how fearful I have been living, fearful or not doing enough, or doing “it right”, not being “enough”—which now sounds absolutely ABSURD. When I ask myself, enough of what? If I can’t make peace with who and what I am, that is a constant state of distress or dis-ease of being! The antidote…the solution…the rest…the healing…can only come from within. Of course this amazing world , full of life and remedies, themes and seasons, prophets, and characters, the VIVIDRY of this world provides all the inspiration, paint and materials to use. How do we know which ones to use? By the heart. The actual physical feeling that emanates from the heart. Still not sure? Think of a time where you felt amazing, “in love”, in awe, grateful, GOOOOOD. That’s the feeling. It is our job to master our constantly churning mind to assist THIS feeling, not destroy it. Unless we secretly enjoy feeling bad. Through meditation, right thinking, right action, right doing. Hmmm, I’m sounding like an Eastern philosopher….now as a disclaimer, I understand there are instances where there are actual chemical imbalances and illnesses in our brain that we can’t meditate or pray away. We are lucky to live in a time that has pills that can interact without our help with the electrical firing in our brains. We are in the information age as well as having spiritual knowledge readily accessible. The point is, we have the power of choice even with our thoughts and actions. We aren’t victims.

I’m not a victim.

Apocalypse 2020: Week One

originally posted: March 20, 2020

The country is on lockdown y’all! What?? We are all on quarantine because of a pandemic virus called #coronavirus aka Covid-19! The governor of California shutdown everything that isn’t a grocery story or pharmacy. 40 million people ordered to stay inside for 2 weeks or more. Some people are predicting until June/July. This is our new normal- it feels like a nightmare/movie, but its real. And the reality of it all hit me like a ton of bricks after this epic nightmare/dream I had last night:

The dream was in two parts. The first part was about a really close friend of mine who had “actualized”. Meaning, everything that he wanted to do and become, he just…DID IT, and was living in this amazing condo with awards and albums released. I was so genuinely happy for him, my heart was so full. He looked me in the eyes with tears, grateful and said you can do this too Allison…but I felt like I had a pile of energetic mess, like dirty laundry I had to clean and fold and put away to even be able to see where to start. I felt trapped in my own inner mess.

I woke up and then went back to sleep and the second part of the dream felt like I was living in the world created by all my subconscious fears. Like a personal Hell. I was living in this reality that was like what I imagined communist China to be. Everyone was working individually yet together in their specific roles towards this huge synchronized social performance-like Shen Yun- or something. Everyone was an “influencer” and had their lives in order, like perfectly oiled machine lives. But I was trapped in my messy hotel room looking through dirty piles for ONE sock so I could join the action!!  The Stage Manager knocked on my door to tell me I needed to report to the rehearsal hall because it was beginning in 20 minutes and all of the country was there but me. It was awful! I just couldnt get my ish together! And I found out that missing sock was on my foot the whole time.

I woke up from this dream feeling like I trapped in my mess, unorganized while EVERYONE around me had it all figured out. I’ve felt like I have been paralyzed to create – my own channel, my own music, my OWN whatever– because it wasn’t going to be as good as everyone i saw on IG or the influencers I saw. Ironically, these INFLUENCERS only strike up my insecurity in my own talents. When I see them, it feels  like I missed the bus to be create on my own.  I realize that the “mess” is all internal subconscious fear, trauma or whatever you wanna call it, thats crowding what already IS.

Yes ,if I just start making music again or start a live channel, I’m not going to have 10K followers immediately like most of my friends. I may just have a solid 5 people. BUT F*CK FOLLOWERS! I’m not here to gain the world. Its not about numbers, its about MY OWN CREATIVITY as a Creative BEING! These influencers are no different than me, they aren’t just BORN better people, more special or more talented. They just have GUTS to INVEST in theirselves. They don’t get caught up in comparing what others are doing or what they think they are supposed to be doing. I need to give myself permission to SUCK. I want to remind myself that I create NOT to gain followers and for people to LIKE me and Validate me, but to create because I love it and because I am CREATIVE. I’ve been paralyzed because I’m just so deathly afraid to not be accepted or liked enough. This is such an old outdated story and I am burying right now. R.I.P.

BACK to the reality of this Quarantine….

It hit me that this is the NEW NORMAL. At least for now. That we all are forced to stay inside and essentially forced to GO INSIDE-INTERNALLY. To face our viruses within and heal them. There is no escape. No distraction. We must look at the inner world we have created and ask ourselves, is this what I want to live in? Am I the type of person I want to live as? What can I work on? What have I been ignoring or procrastinating working on? For me, its creating and clearing the junk. I’ve been an amazing puppet of other peoples projects. I love it, helping bringing other peoples visions to life, but what about my own? Now that I have no-one to work for, i have to work for myself now.

I’m so sorry I put you on the back burner- Allie Dee. I’m sorry I put other people’s opinions and expectations before your heart. I’m sorry I compared other people’s success and end results to your beginning steps. That scared you from even BEGINNING! The first steps of anything are sacred and can be shaky. I’m sorry I was so freaking MEAN to you in my self talk. I’m sorry for being afraid to stand up for you and here’s the kicker: Being everyone else’s Cheerleader but MY OWN.

WHOA…This feels Apocalyptic. The end of a way of living  and thinking that has been creating a bigger and bigger energetic mess inside. Blocking me from who I am at my core. I’m using this quarantine to strip my inner mess away: donate, dump, or keep. I’m being brutally yet lovingly honest with myself and I’m finding that as space clears, I’m seeing glimpses of who I really am.

Its like I’m remembering myself again.

I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.

Allison Semmes, Inc.

God Bless Temp Work. It's an opportunity to sit down at a desk and be selectively productive, meet new people, and serve in a momentary way. Today I'm temping at a Philanthropic Fund and there is a large conference happening with everyone for training and interviews happening as well. The kitchen is pretty largely stocked and the people are super nice...with an exception of a few rotten apples in the bunch but because I will NEVER EVER EVER see these people again, I feel healthily detached. Those who are kind and we have a lovely connection with is a passing blessing. Those who don't are like flies at a picnic...hehehe....I'm learning to not be so attached and accept things as the transient things that they are. 

Anywho, the idea of sitting at a screen in a work environment is lovely because it gives me time to sit and really evaluate what is important and what is part of the Business of ME. I am not only a receptionist of this company but it opens my eyes to how I can be a receptionist in the company of ME. What am I receiving, how am I distributing information, how am I managing the flow. I  am reminded how to be a gainful employee and employer of Allison Semmes, Inc. 

This is a whole mindset shift, I feel like I should have done it years ago...but better late than never. 

*Sigh* 

Baby's FIRST commercial

Wow...I just shot my first commercial ad with Macy's! And I am a SAG-AFTRA member now. I feel so accomplished! The shoot was yesterday and it was a whole new exciting world. I felt like a model...well, because I WAS one...I am a model. It's hard for me to grasp this but I am. And I think the camera likes me! We had three looks and we filmed each one on three different locations in the iconic DUMBO, and then had some "stills" in the same location. I can't wait to see them!! I was finally apart of the camera crews that I would see on the streets on NY! Someone was there to stop the flow for traffic as I had a camera crew of about 8 people along with a black van of about 5 people watching the work from a screen inside. WOW! As the day progressed, I got more self conscious but then I got more comfortable in front of the camera. I'm so excited to know that this is a world that I can thrive in! And what a HELLOVA first commercial experience-MACY'S - a HUGE brand! Although, in actuality my first real commercial (non-union) was for Black Opal fade cream when I was right out of school. That kinda felt like an I love Lucy Vitameatavegimen commercial--hahah without getting drunk lol...gosh, that reminded me of how much I LOVE Lucille Ball. Like I literally LOVE LUCY! She was such a HAM and was one of my main HAM inspirations!
Anyway, I'm ignited by the new world of commercial that I've stepped into and I can't wait to see where I go in it! I'm trusting in myself more and more everyday. By 2020, I should be unstoppable!!

From the hills of Idaho to Times Square

Whoa...
What TF just happened?????
A whirlwind has just happened and I managed to land fully intact to tell the story! This is unbelievable. My life sometimes is unbelievable. I hear the voice of my mother in my head and over the phone saying in her Black Italian Jewish South Side voice, "I hope you're writing about this". Even my Pops, over the phone, "you're journaling still?" in his cool collected voice peppered with a little excitement.  "Yes! I am..." if you count jotting about a crazy excursion that I just encountered in a few sentences and abruptly aborting it to get off the train, send a text or scroll aimlessly through IG for no particular reason.
So I just made a cup of coffee, found a cozy nook, a stimulating yet relaxing soundtrack, fed the cat, watered the plants, took out the trash, washed the dishes, and charged my laptop, so I have NO reason to be distracted (hopefully) to TELL the COMPLETE tale of WTF just happened this past month in a nutshell!

SO!
It all began in Red Bank, New Jersey with a small cast of shining Black actors who were the most...shiny and self contained, nuanced and delicately balanced with crazy and calm. I told the story of OoBlaDee, with Ruben Santiago Hudson, written by Regina Taylor about a girl Virginia August from Tuscaloosa who decided that she was going to take her destiny into her OWN damb hands and not wait in a "small room with a ticking clock" for her man to return from War, but to answer the telegram she received to join a traveling all women's jazz band. Playing her sax gives her freedom, it "lifts her into the air". So she hops on a train and the story of her meeting these extraordinary women who, too, have left their individual stories to follow their passion and make music. Throughout the course of their journey from St. Louis to Chicago, Gin Del Sol (thats the new name she gave herself, along with her new identity of being Creole -Momma New Orleans, Daddy Cuban by way of Spain---a Beyonce of the 40's in a sense!) she consorts with the Moon- Mother Time aka Amber Iman, arguing questioning lamenting the way time unfolds, pausing time, escaping yesterday, looking towards tomorrow, never fully present. When her man returns and finds her about to play the solo that will "blow a hole in the sky", she has to choose between finding her voice and stepping into this new life or returning to the life she always knew with the man who she loves but feels trapped with. She chooses her life as a musician...he leaves and gets lynched on the way home. Through the tragedy, she has to make the decision, does she fall apart or keep going? In the end, she keeps going, plays her note as a transformed woman, and "ascends" to a singing bowl.

DEEP RIGHT???!

In the meantime, Allison is figuring out her own DAMB voice in the mix of this process, working with all these seasoned actors and trying to be chill working with this movie Tony winning director, slaying off the demons that whisper to her that she's not enough, and mixing it with her recharging and "Earthing" outside her cast apartment on the grassy hill by the river bank, consorting with the clouds, water, marine birds, groundhogs, lightning bugs, and butterflies, and girlfriend hangs with the cast. It was the perfect balance of Work and Rest. Just a NJ transit ride away from the stinky bustling city. On top of it, figuring out WHERE TF in the city she is going to live after this fairy tale of a project. Why? because I'm always subletting. I haven't had a year lease in years.

Long story short, my dear friend Roberta (Australian by way of South Italy) opens her Williamsburg apartment to me with a room that opens to a terrace and I crash there until I find my Crown Heights sublet, that happens to be across the street from where I used to live before I got Motown tour. (my most luxurious apartment in Brooklyn and shortest sublet). As soon as I returned back to NYC in my Williamsburg pad, I went immediately back to rehearsals for a girl group concert in the gorgeous Sun Valley Idaho, at the same time that my beloved was there for his family reunion, which happened to be in the town next to Sun Valley!! WTH!? So not only do I perform in another gorgeous setting with some amazing performers (Dionne Figgins choreographer, Daniel Watts writer, Mike & Tiffany Evariste and Ashley Blanchett) but I get to see my baby love after months of not seeing him?? Okay God, you're just showing off now!
MEANWHILE...my bank account is slowly dwindling, and threatening to take my joy along with it. (the thorn in the rose bouquet)

After the straight up MAGICAL week of Idaho, performing this DOPE concert, taking names, enjoying the mountains with my boo, and frolicking in the beauty of Mother (Nature), I return to NYC clenching to the joy and peace I had from Idaho. But as the train literally crash landed at LGA (with a hard THUD) all my peace I was holding scattered like marbles all over the plane seat and I was abruptly reminded that I was BACK IN NYC BISH!! Almost immediately I was thrown back into the neurotic hustle of the city, getting into a slight altercation with my taxi driver, and holding back my rage with people who had ZERO spatial awareness as I struggled with my luggage.

That week, my managers lined up 3 auditions and I set up a job interview and prepared for my apartment move. The day of my two auditions and apartment move, the reality of the hustle that I was in crashed down on me. A tidal wave of emotions took over me and I wept and silently hyperventilated on the train ride from audition #1, sobbed on the bus ride from one apartment to the next with my luggage, cried bitterly in the park outside of my second audition, and was numb by the time I completed my second trip from Williamsburg to Crown Heights. Here I am in my thirties, lugging my life on a city bus, and running from one audition to the next, trying to land my next place to live and next gig. All I could think of was my friend's IG posts ("just booked a Broadway show! God is so good! #bookedandblessed" " My third bundle of joy in the oven! #familyfirst" "I said yes"#lastnamescombined2019) WHAT TF MAN! Where is MY victory post? I just wanted a WIN. Just ONE little win, of receiving the keys to an apartment or signing the contract of a new show, or showing an engagement ring...funny enough, to be honest, I think I actually AM low key winning. Even though I don't have any IG posts to tell about it, or the bags under my eyes are deep and I just can't seem to find a selfie that expresses the vibrance of my future and excitement of my present. I am actually DOING the DAMB THING. Even though my bank account isn't at $500,000.00 YET, (Hell, can a sister get $5,000), I still feel like I'm in a magical magnetic place of creating and planting and watering my garden of the quality of life I dream of.

I'm recalibrating my GPS to where my Heart lives. I've lived in my mind for too long. My logic isn't matching with my highest Self right now. I'm returning to living from my heart. As Phil Good mentioned, my Heart Chakra is now my 1st chakra, as my lower 3 have rolled into it. I am learning to operate from there. So of course, after the last callback of the week, I would return to Bryant Park to frolic in the greenery and run into a friend, and then dance like a gypsy barefoot in the grass and find a bunch of hula hoops and jugglers to play with while a New Orleans band plays on stage. I felt so free! I danced like I was naked in my living room in public! I played with hula hoopers and jugglers, made a new friend from Germany, and felt a sense of freedom that I only remember from when I was 6 years old. I carried that feeling on the train back home and for the first time, I felt unconcerned by anything that was outside of me. I was buzzing with the energy of life force- charged by New Orleans music, play, dance and Earth.

At times I feel like life is magical and I am a fairy goddess mischievously playing with the energies around me and bopping from pleasure to pleasure like a bee to pollen. And other times, I have felt like a depressed, defensive hopeless hobo who lives under a bridge, bitterly watching the world pass by me.
But what I have learned is that both are okay...
...hm...not thats not right...
I've found that both or wrong...hmmm no, thats too dualistic.
I don't know how to end this blog...
.
.
.
.
.
.
FIN

New Crib, who dis?

Well, I stuck it out.
I made it through the damn near 15 minute walk from the subway station every night.
I finally got semi comfortable with my hood...I actually started to feel apart of it.
The turning point was the West Indian day Parade. I was right in the "Splash Zone".
It was one thing to come home to my stoop to new faces smoking and chilling outside, when the summer night was right. But West Indian day Parade was when Crown Heights came alive to me, and I saw behind the veil.
There were two barrel grills, a tent, speakers playing across the street, and about 10 folks eating plates of food, beer and smoking. And my super was right in the middle of it all. I hesitantly got a plate of food but as soon as I sat on my stoop and started talking to my neighbors, something so beautiful happened, I felt a sense of home and belonging that only comes to me in Chicago. I felt that sense of community that I have been searching for. I stayed on my stoop eating delicious Carribbean food, refreshing beer and, vibing to Soca, reggae music as the sun set. The fires started lighting up and the night began to rise. I started to fall in love with Crown Heights or at least my block. Too bad I was moving in 3 days.

I had found my BedStuy home. After making my apartment search a temporary full time job, I finally came across the one. In the area that I wanted, in the type of apartment that I desired (with a washer and a dryer and dish washer!) and a roommate that I know was a God send. I found a unicorn (again)! I am so  grateful for the flow that I find myself in and I am working on staying in that FLOW.

Its amazing what your surroundings do to you, for you, as you. I also see the manifestations of focused visualizing and believing. Every time, I focus and believe and release to receive, things happen. Not only with my living situation but also with job opportunities. I'm learning to harvest/harness my power as a co creator. I feel so empowered but I also feel like I have no idea the amount of work that will be required to live in this flow.  Like a leap into the direction of the life I want to live. And I have to trust the forces that I have surrendered to (gravity, grace, and all those universal laws)

But I'm ready...more ready on certain days, less ready on others...
but over all...I'm ready.

Can you tell me how to get...how to get to Sesame Street?

I'm baaaaaaack in Brooklyn bishessssss!

I just finished an amazing run in Baltimore creating and opening a new musical called Soul:The Stax Musical! At first I felt a tiny tinge of guilt because I have been on the Motown train for so long (3.5yrs to be exact) but that guilt was short-lived. I am an artist and I cannot be tied down and do not BELONG to any show. I am simply the messenger...the vessel to live and tell the story...during the contract. So BOOM.
ANYHOO, Baltimore was the BOMB! I fell in LOVE with my cast and all my cast dreams came true. We were like a family. We understood each, we all hung out and got along--what a concept!  It also didn't help that Kwame, our director, set up the rehearsal process with opening and closing group circles, improv dance party-style warmups, and fostered a sense of togetherness throughout the rehearsal period. There was just so much love and realness in that cast, and as a girl from ChiTown, you know I love keeping it real. Its exhausting to fake the funk and pretend to be excited, traits that I find in musical theatre. I want my joy to be grounded and real AF. Plus my fake smile muscles are getting weaker each year.
I think a lot that had to do with the mix of the cast as well. There were people from NYC, LA, Baltimore and there were non-musical theater singers in the cast as well, who subscribe to a different vibe of work. It may not be as showy but it's honest and expressive, and those are qualities that I dig!
So Baltimore was great! The show was bomb, the audiences were awesome, the cast get togethers and bonfires and house parties were frequent, I was happy as a pig in slop! When the run ended, the heartbreak was real but so were the connections I made, and I knew I would be seeing these mofos again at some point so my grief was short-lived.

While I was in Baltimore, I had no apartment to get back to after the contract. So I searched remotely for an apartment once I returned in 3 months. I found a place in Crown Heights/BedStuy and after seeing pictures online and getting a FaceTime tour, I threw my security deposit to my future roommate, who I was vibing with and secured my new apartment for 3 months minimum.
*DEEEEEEP SIGH*

As the Lyft drives to my new apartment, my stomach drops.
All the super cute cafes and happy brownstone blocks disappear. The architecture changes to paneled homes, uninspired spaces and the repeated business pattern of Nail Salon/Chinese food/Beauty Supply/Dusty Deli. The pace of the people slows and the energy thickens. Men are congregated or mill around and no-one looks like me. My apartment is directly next to an abandoned building...*squints* no, its a new development. So gentrification is near...My heart sinks and then is, dare I say, hopeful.
Gentrification in my mind always meant pushing the Black people out of the community to make way for really nice businesses and homes for white people with more money...more money from systemized racism created from a model to keep people of color inferior economically yet continue to make fortunes OFF of the very people that are being oppressed...or something like that.
 My quest was to find a happy mix of those two factors. A gentrified yet cultural intact community. My last neighborhood was a funny, tense and entertaining balance of those things. There were sparkly new businesses and preserved brownstones that were still Black owned. There were hipsters and homies like water and oil coexisting, like a brew. That is exciting because you have the best of all the worlds.
My surrounding area now...simply put isnt CUTE...and I'm low key/high key pouty about it....No damnit, I'm mad! I was spoiled in Bedstuy and I was paying UNDER a $1000 for a dope Brownstone. Granted, I'm not paying too much more I have less money now and beggars can't be choosers...but I still want my cake and eat it too damnit! Why would you have cake if you're not going to eat it?? OR how do you even eat cake if you don't have it?? *deep breath*

I think the main issue is that the care of the neighborhood could be better. Why would you allow trash to gather outside of your place of residence? I remember seeing my neighbors sweep and collect trash that may have been blown out of the bags. There was a sense of pride in the way they upkeep the block and even how they carried themselves. How they greeted one another with a nod or a smile. Here, I get glares like I did something wrong or my existence is somehow a threat. True, there is no such thing as Sesame Street but DAMNIT there are some blocks that can come pretty damn close!