What a day yesterday was....
It started with an interview with Broadway News then a chiropractic adjustment since my neck is crazy (its lacking the natural curve so its straight...which tells me alot about how I'm carrying myself in this world) then PT session and Christmas shopping.
I dont believe in Western Christmas anymore...I hate the idea of buying things specifically for this day...especially since typically at the end of the year, my finances are dribbling down from the year. Its not about this. We are a pagan society that worships Money. Christ wasn't born in December...and its all the winter solstice celebration but we arent even aware of the natural occurrences that we dont truly observe or know what the solstice is. There is so much that is coming to light for me...although I've always felt these knowings rumbling inside...even as a child...and now they are surfacing and I feel crazy but at the same time I imagine a great global awakening where we see everything in the eyes of love and intuition. The war that is happening in the middle east...I have no words other than it is one sided and terrorizing to observe. Yet that same terrorizing energy is what is leading our society...and the Truth of humanity...the SOUL of humanity needs a cleansing...a spiritual baptism...where we are washed from the gunk of ego and fear and see our true identity and HARMONIZE to love frequency.... how ironic that I'm in a show called Harmony... but yet its only literal.
Ive never felt so underused in a show...but yet I am playing "the Black Goddess of France" herself...Ms Josephine Baker. My direction has been to be more grand and to code switch from "Fancy to Southern" Josephine Baker isnt from the South but she is Black...so maybe thats what they meant...for me to act more Black....*sigh*...then I was also told that Josephine Baker was riding on the coattails of the guy group...when actually she was a star in her own right and a pioneer of international racial harmony. But I just need to just do my job and shine. I'm frustrated that I'm not really seen as the diamond I feel like I am. On and offstage. And I'm not even doing ANYTHING in the show yet I'm mentally spiritually and physically exhausted and suffered more injuries in this show than any show ever. Is this what I prayed for? This was my manifestation from Lion King. Would I go back to Lion King? I was REALLY just a number...a cog in well oiled machine. I LOVED that machine but I thought I was going to celebrated. I guess my mother was right, Berry Gordy spoiled me in treating me like a princess when I played Diana Ross. He showed me and celebrated who I was. He saw my potential. So did Stevie. Who did I enjoy playing more? Diana Ross of course...she had dimension in the story.
So! Now that that is off my chest, how do I become better not bitter? The show is most likely closing before the year contract...I felt it was a limited run from the beginning for a few intuitive reasons. But maybe, just maybe it can become sustainable? but thats in the direction and formation.
So now...I'm forced to look outside Broadway yet again... 2024 is coming and I'm going to be 40!!!! I'm actually really excited because I feel like everything is going to be different. I can already feel it...Like a stepping into my purpose 100% and actually DOING THE THING I was created to do here instead of adjacent assignments. Even in my thinking and coping and mental sorting, there is a Ah Ha! energy.
But as of right now...in this present moment, I am enjoying my sunny boho Harlem studio with plants. I'm not going to be swayed by the energy of the theater and cast because its unpredictable and stuffy and tense. I am grounded and light and bright. I will only give my energy to those who deserve it...and I ysed to hate saying that word but its true...I'm not Jesus...I'm not dying for everyone...I am only human and a sensitive one at that. Its time that I care for myself like the precious soul that I am. I of course wish I could have a partner who would cherish and appreciate and protect me...does that sound like a father or a partner? thats where I'm conflicted...what is a healthy balanced ask of a partner? Maybe I shouldnt even look but "become my own soulmate" and work out these imbalances that are bubbling to surface in my soul. Be my own soul's mate first. My own soul's keeper.
I want to continue the work I did in 2020. What if...I just contuinued as if I was still in Malibu making those meditations and songs and videos and teaching those young artists? I LOVED teaching performance at that LA colleges! Wow....how did I do that? I just believed I could and I did. I said to myself, DUH, youve been on Broadway, starred in touring productions, recorded and wrote for Stevie Wonder, and performed all over the country, of COURSE you can teach this next generation about finding their voice in performance in LA. What is stopping me from doing this in NYC or Chicago? Is Broadway the final goal or is there more??
Of course there is more, my soul shouts! Your concerts, Carnegie Hall, teaching in NYC, it AINT OVER til its over, ya heard! And I'm only just beginning!
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