Sooooo... "its been a minute but I'm back with the jump off"
I went straight from The Lion King North American Tour to a new Broadway show called Harmony where I portrayed Josephine Baker in a tale about a half Jewish half Gentile boy band in Germany when the Nazi party was coming into power. Needless to say, I didn't read the script...all I saw was JOSEPHINE BAKER BROADWAY and I said I'LL TAKE IT!!!
Note to self, read the script of every show you go in for, Allison. This was the darkest most challenging contract of my life....well...Motown was pretty traumatizing bc of feeling hated and left out and not supported among an insanely talented Black cast, but being the only Black woman in a cast of a Broadway show is a whole different beast. And even sharing that I was the only Black woman in the cast made the two young cast mates of color resent me because "they are Black too". The swing and my understudy, two insanely gorgeous biracial girls with light skin and curly hair iced me out (i found out drunkenly at the closing night party) because they felt offended I said on my personal IG story that I was struggling with being the only Black woman in a cast. Aside from the icy energy from them, there was the age gap, I was almost 15 years older than them. Aside from the shade from the two cast mates of color, I felt like a complete after thought in the show, just a TOKEN black body to add some flavor to the show. I was paraded around in a fuschia sparkly feathered bikini, surfed on a moving piano and was flipped around like a rag doll by young actors in their 20s who could actually care less about me. To this day, I'm recovering from tendonitis because I was improperly handled. I had to fight for grip shoes and a grip on the piano so i wouldn't fly off the piano and was just....treated like AN OTHER. I've never felt OTHERED or TOKENed before because most of the white people I grew up with were in a multiculteral neighborhood or organization. So for the first time in 12 years, I saw the white underbelly of Broadway, in a show about anti-semitism in the 40's....during the Israeli Palestine conflict...it was a horrible energetic experience that could have been powerfully healing but...
but..that's not my responsibility to manage the energy of an entire production. I was in SURVIVAL MODE for my soul.
AND ANOTHER THING! For the first time, I saw how mean spirited white actors could be and that was heart breaking for me. Maybe because I put them on pedestals of how I thought the experience would be. Also-I've only done Black Broadway shows at this point: Dreamgirls, Lion King, Book of Mormon, Motown, The Wiz, Bubbling Brown Sugar, The Color Purple... the only white actors I worked with played Mormon Boys and Motown executives. I thought I would be fine but there was a HEAVY silence and sparkly discomfort I felt everyday walking into that theater. It felt like I was trapped in an unfamiliar hell and it was sooo dark backstage...in the wings in the dressing rooms...it was just thick with darkness. so when it closed I was RELIEVED but also so sad...why can't I win?? The last Broadway show where I was a lead (2nd Motown the Musical) closed within 10 days and now, the 2nd Broadway show were I am playing a Black icon, closes as well.
I started to believe that I was cursed. I know I'm talented but maybe the Broadway gods are cursing me....But for what?
Maybe because they know I'm a poser. I'm not really a Broadway girlie...I just love music and performing and people and telling honest stories and making people laugh and cry. But I would lose any Broadway trivia with flying colors. I don't know these shows like that...and I'm not really that interested in them. Especially these new shows and the new trend of acting and singing. Before, I remember seeing shows with grown people with Full bodied presence and voices and acting. The trend is pretty basic and fluff. I'm not impressed by the kids unfortunately but casting is...WOOF. I sound OLDER and semi Jaded...
But the gag is I feel like I don't even really GO here.
I studied Music and arias and opera then studied musical theater from NYU and then auditioned and only booked BLACK shows. Now, after 12 years of a Broadway career...I'm BURNED OUT. The level of mental physical psychological exhaustion is SO REAL. I went to Costa Rica for a week and it literally felt like a weekend. It wasn't a true vacation or rest. And now I feel like a zombie or a ghost trying to keep up with NYC and not get chewed up and spat out and I'm STRONG but....I'm not invinsible. I need a BREAK and complete regroup & redesign. Because to be honest, I WAS CHEWED UP.
I left my Harlem studio because I couldnt afford it after the show closed. I actually lost money while I was on Harmony, it didn't pay enough to live in NYC without roommates and I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't have roommates after 38. So luckily, my friend's mother has a brownstone in Bedstuy and is airbnbing and renting her rooms. I signed a month to month lease and thought I landed my dream Bedstuy SUITE with a shared kitchen that was a connecting converted closet and shared with a new airbnb person evry month. If my landlady wasnt such a NASTY TROLL PRISON WARDEN, it would be perfect....aside from sharing a tiny kitchenette with strangers. The language this woman uses with me and the complete utter lack of grace, respect, understanding or care this woman has is mind boggling. Being cussed out about putting my trash in the garbage outside, the way the kitchen smells and the times I come home ...its more like a MEAN DEN MOTHER than a landlady. The straw that broke the camels back was her banging on my door in the morning saying "hey" and talking about the dishes I used when I cook breakfast. I gave her my intention on leaving, saying I can leave in August because this is not a good fit and not good for my mental health. But the irony is that everyday, I'm finding my community and ways to thrive. From meeting the councilwoman to the founder of a community art collective to meeting actual artists and film makers to volunteering at a community garden to conversations with my neighbors about starting a business to teach in the schools and the list goes on. The deli and business owners are starting to recognize me and it feels amazing. Now that I have to find a new place to live with NO income...is daunting. and its not like i'm not trying....
Every month since March, I've been applying for jobs, college jobs in Chicago, Brooklyn, NYU, not only applying for jobs but gigging every weekend and auditioning all like my life depends on it. I even said I would busk with a friend tomorrow on the train. and I'm not sure if I should just leave NYC and go hOME to Chicago but even with Chicago, I would still have to find a place to live and WORK. And the jobs seems more political there. I reached out the choir that I spend 18 years with for a job and they were shady with their response and basically said no. I had a masterclass that I was to teach and randomly I was replaced by someone else. I have a feeling that even though I LOVE Hyde Park and Chicago, it may not be as kind and welcoming to me as I thought. Part of me needs to release the idea that I'm supposed to be ANYTHING at this age. What if I am NOTHING?
It is okay that I start OVER and LEARN AGAIN.
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