Its been a magical summer...of chance encounters and recently karmic returns...
The weather has been hot and swampy and cool a breezy, all typical of a new york summer, but aside from the beauty of the flowers I see in the neighborhood (like flower bushes that can stop you in your tracks and demand to be admired) and the melodic bird calls and abundance of trees (or maybe its just my noticing of the trees in search of some kind of nature from the concrete jungle)...
its been the people who have made the greatest impact on me the most. All sorts of interesting characters. The first was a dreadlocked sister in all white and pendants and jewelry of all sorts. I met her at an impromptu movie screening of Muppets in Outer Space at my favorite coffee shop. I was drawn to her bc I usually wear white and it was my first day stepping outside with MY newly installed microlocs. I felt like my locs were connecting me...like antennas! We exchanged information and I met her one day at the park to hang with her friends but after I received a "soul healing" from her, I saw a scary aggressive bipolar side of her! It started when she repeatedly was pointing to something within a few inches from my face and it keep happening. I just asked her to watch out because it was making me feel really uncomfortable at how close her hand was to my face. I also jokingly said that I was from Chicago and that ppl dont get that close to each unless they about to fight...those words unlocked a BEAST and she went ballistic talking about how she didnt care where TF i was from i'm in NYC and how i need to get off her picnic blanket because I am a dark psychotic person. The switch was so fast and scary all because I spoke up about feeling uncomfortable that my space was being violated. Eventually I ended up pacifying her but deleted her information from my phone. Trauma1
Within this past week, I met two beautiful souls that I ended up going to Barclay with! One for a WNBA game and the other for a Tyler the Creator concert. The WNBA journey was with a beautiful woman I met at the stoop sessions in a skating rink, who I mistakenly thought her friend was her son (from a teenage pregnancy- blame it ear wax?) and the Tyler concert was with a beautiful soul I met at a vegan cafe after a yoga class. Oh! not to mention the random boat party I went to on Tuesday...where I saw the most beautiful views of the city but at one point thought I was going to DIE on the boat bc of lack of oxygen and water...there was a medical emergency and i ended up talking with the bar ad the host saying it was a safety hazard to NOT have water available FOR THE PASSENGERS ON THE VESSEL. We werent allowed to bring water on the boat and they were charging $5 for water on the boat....yet people were drunk and high and on a muggy boat with little air flow...it was so terrible and (folding chairs on a boat)ghetto and scary but I ended up purchases a few bottles of water and making a big enough fuss for them to have special on water bottles- a $3 discount....UGH. but the music was sooo good and when I wasnt panicking I had a GRAND TIME.
This retrograde this week however brought back a ghost from my past...the OGG...the OG ghost...an artist...a young man who I was in LOVE with. We spent our days together and it was a GRAND time being in his presence and being loved by him...until it alll crumbled. I all of a sudden was too much for him. My reaching out was "anxious attachment"...i felt gaslit...i felt like I wasnt enough and that I was doing too much. I was heart broken yet my heart had opened so wide for this man...and he was irresponsible with my heart...and I was hurt deeply by him. I dont think I recovered come to think of it...always carrying with me the weight of being too much, or expecting too much from someone but lying to myself for not feeling how I felt, afraid that my sharing affection would drive them away...I felt petrified and frozen...feeling so much but not knowing how to share my affection or being afraid that my affection would drive them away. So I tried to "stay cool" and hide my feelings but I felt like I was clipping my own wings and I knew that nothing I did would have the affection returned.... that I just had to wait until the wind blew in the right direction for them to feel comfortable and communicate....ugh what a terrible existence.
so they returned into my life yesterday on a corner in Soho like out of a movie...my life has been feeling like a movie these days...and its frustrating bc everyone in the scene agrees and comments that they feel like they are on set of a movie...anyway...he returns, 3 years later with all his locs cut off and energy grounded...apologizing and saying how much he's missed me and loves me...in the moment i'm overwhelmed and weeping and then when the tears dry I'm "back to normal" but the next morning...I'm sooooo sad. soo heavy and its almost like the wound is reopened along with all the similar wounds of unworthiness. Of having to pine and hope for return of affection. I just wanted to be loved. Easily. Tenderly. This has been my soul cry since I was a child. And my heart is heavy because I'm processing the pain of this. Falling for and being attracted to artists who cannot return affection or make it feel like a chore.Loving me isnt a chore. Loving me is easy because Im beautiful. and charming. and effervescent and light and warm at the same time. I dont understand why I havent found my life partner. Only people who have sucked my energy or that i freely gave and did not have compassion or love returned. i feel that the only thing that CAN replenish me is nature with her loving nonstop flow of life and fruiting and being. in her peaceful dynamic.
I now put up a microphone to my heart: where are you, oh love that can hold my tender depth? As deep as the lowest parts of the ocean and tender as a flower petal freshly plucked. tender and deep is my love. yet I feel bruised and empty whenever I share it and its not returned. I know I am unique but there surely must be someone who can gently hold my heart and not be afraid of its depths. this world is so shallow in its travels when it comes to heart matters. and although i dont typically have the language to express it, i feel so deeply to a place where words arent formed. words don't exist in the depths of my heart...so all i can do is ache a quiet ache searching and listening to songs that can express what feels inexpressible. for words to sigh the inexhaustible. if i were to sigh from my heart, it would a fermata...a release that has no limit. is this a dying breath of my heart?
that got melancholic quick...