MAGIC ACTIVATED

 Costa Rica has been so wonderful. I have to leave a week earlier because of the Disney physical exam for the cruise. I want to stay here forever...Already, everyday has been extraordinary. I've gone to the beach everyday and communed with Mother and she's been gentle playful or fierce! I went with the Monkey King and Adam and spent the day with them. Got some of his magical cacao mushroom concoction and it felt so good to sit with these beautiful Black men and hear them lecture and discuss life...it always was a lot bc there was strong masculine energy and I had to yield...he talked about women naturally being subservient to men, us wanting men who were like us as opposed to stronger mentally physically and emotionally sound. At first I strongly disagreed but I realized that when I am at my most ease, I'm not leading. I'm usually being led and I can just relax and surrender to a force that I love and trust. 

Pura Vida Day 2

 Good Morning....from the buzzing jungle of Cocles...

The sound of howling monkeys, tweeting birds, crickets, roosters, and random coos from some kind of creature...My sleep was deep and vivid...dreaming about getting the BEST braided style I've ever had...and I woke up to a slightly tight scalp..remembering that I was in fact rocking a dope crochet...My dream also was of me telling me mother off in a way that was surprising cathartic and she was extremely receptive...it was like she had an ah-ha moment to everything I said...but upon awaking, the line she always tells me from "the book of aging" tell a person off about themselves and they will think...they will think about killing you.... in the loud natural buzz of this jungle...somehow, real life seems more intersteing than my dreams so  ----WHOA!!  in this moment I'm surrounded by cacklingtwerping birds fluttering about inthe  surrounding treetops...wow...I can't wait to be here forever...okay not forever...but at least for a month...I'm so glad I am here...

Since I hopped on the Caribe Shuttle yesterday morning and it was completely empty, a personal 5 hour shuttle with a handsome Costa Rican...Alvaro...I knew...ooooh I just saw 4 little howler monkeys climb to a sway treetop to hang out and eat....this place is magicalllll its just simply filled with life...even the GIANT BEETLE that made it's way to the middle of my kitchen and perched out all night without moving an inch...when I moved the carpet it was half on, it slowly extended one of his legs to readjust...as if it was doing a morning stretch...and stayed put!!It was so big...and just interesting looking...I just left him there...I shall call him...Layre...

When I arrived to the location there were tons of vultures perched on top the gate and a few feasting on a carcass not to far from the entrance...uh...okay...because I see signs in everything...that must mean...EEEE the horse is nearby...I just heard him blow his lips and I hear this feet clomp around....*sigh*...back to my original thought the vultures must mean that even death has a purpose in the circle of life...somethings feed on what had died and that there is nothing to fear because everything belongs...but it also made me buck up and muster my life force cuz YALL aint for me! I have a strong pumping heart and I'm still vital...anyway...my room wasn't ready and I wasn't called until 4pm (a whooping 5 hours) so I took the bicycle into town after getting lost for several hours...turning down trails that turned into dead ends...then a turtle crossed my path and I immediately slowed down

Just finished my second Yin Yoga class and we focused on the hips- with the matching meridians of the gall badder and liver...where we store frustration/anger/rage/criticism. Yesterday's yin session was heart opening and I was weeping at how grateful I was to go so deeply within myself. I deserved this deep inner time to release... to be continued...

Life as I knew it ends at 40

 Sooooo... "its been a minute but I'm back with the jump off"

I went straight from The Lion King North American Tour to a new Broadway show called  Harmony where I portrayed Josephine Baker in a tale about a half Jewish half Gentile boy band in Germany when the Nazi party was coming into power. Needless to say, I didn't read the script...all I saw was JOSEPHINE BAKER BROADWAY and I said I'LL TAKE IT!!!

Note to self, read the script of every show you go in for, Allison. This was the darkest most challenging contract of my life....well...Motown was pretty traumatizing bc of feeling hated and left out and not supported among an insanely talented Black cast, but being the only Black woman in a cast of a Broadway show is a whole different beast. And even sharing that I was the only Black woman in the cast made the two young cast mates  of color resent me because "they are Black too". The swing and my understudy, two insanely gorgeous biracial girls with light skin and curly hair iced me out (i found out drunkenly at the closing night party) because they felt offended I said on my personal IG story that I was struggling with being the only Black woman in a cast. Aside from the icy energy from them, there was the age gap, I was almost 15 years older than them. Aside from the shade from the two cast mates of color, I felt like a complete after thought in the show, just a TOKEN black body to add some flavor to the show. I was paraded around in a fuschia sparkly feathered bikini, surfed on a moving piano and was flipped around like a rag doll by young actors in their 20s who could actually care less about me. To this day, I'm recovering from tendonitis because I was improperly handled. I had to fight for grip shoes and a grip on the piano so i wouldn't fly off the piano and was just....treated like AN OTHER. I've never felt OTHERED or TOKENed before because most of the white people I grew up with were in a multiculteral neighborhood or organization. So for the first time in 12 years, I saw the white underbelly of Broadway, in a show about anti-semitism in the 40's....during the Israeli Palestine conflict...it was a horrible energetic experience that could have been powerfully healing but...

but..that's not my responsibility to manage the energy of an entire production. I was in SURVIVAL MODE for my soul.

AND ANOTHER THING! For the first time, I saw how mean spirited white actors could be and that was heart breaking for me. Maybe because I put them on pedestals of how I thought the experience would be. Also-I've only done Black Broadway shows at this point: Dreamgirls, Lion King, Book of Mormon, Motown, The Wiz, Bubbling Brown Sugar, The Color Purple... the only white actors I worked with played Mormon Boys and Motown executives.  I thought I would be fine but there was a HEAVY silence and sparkly discomfort I felt everyday walking into that theater. It felt like I was trapped in an unfamiliar hell and it was sooo dark backstage...in the wings in the dressing rooms...it was just thick with darkness. so when it closed I was RELIEVED but also so sad...why can't I win?? The  last Broadway show where I was a lead (2nd Motown the Musical) closed within 10 days and now, the 2nd Broadway show were I am playing a Black icon, closes as well. 

I started to believe that I was cursed. I know I'm talented but maybe the Broadway gods are cursing me....But for what?

Maybe because they know I'm a poser. I'm not really a Broadway girlie...I just love music and performing and people and telling honest stories and making people laugh and cry. But I would lose any Broadway trivia with flying colors. I don't know these shows like that...and I'm not really that interested in them. Especially these new shows and the new trend of acting and singing. Before, I remember seeing shows with grown people with Full bodied presence and voices and acting. The trend is pretty basic and fluff. I'm not impressed by the kids unfortunately but casting is...WOOF. I sound OLDER and semi Jaded...

But the gag is I feel like I don't even really GO here.

I studied Music and arias and opera then studied musical theater from NYU and then auditioned and only booked BLACK shows. Now, after 12 years of a Broadway career...I'm BURNED OUT. The level of mental physical psychological exhaustion is SO REAL. I went to Costa Rica for a week and it literally felt like a weekend. It wasn't a true vacation or rest. And now I feel like a zombie or a ghost trying to keep up with NYC and not get chewed up and spat out and I'm STRONG but....I'm not invinsible. I need a BREAK and complete regroup & redesign. Because to be honest, I WAS CHEWED UP.

I left my Harlem studio because I couldnt afford it after the show closed. I actually lost money while I was on Harmony, it didn't pay enough to live in NYC without roommates and I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't have roommates after 38. So luckily, my friend's mother has a brownstone in Bedstuy and is airbnbing and renting her rooms. I signed a month to month lease and thought I landed my dream Bedstuy SUITE with a shared kitchen that was a connecting converted closet and shared with a new airbnb person evry month. If my landlady wasnt such a NASTY TROLL PRISON WARDEN, it would be perfect....aside from sharing a tiny kitchenette with strangers. The language this woman uses with me and the complete utter lack of grace, respect, understanding or care this woman has is mind boggling. Being cussed out about putting my trash in the garbage outside, the way the kitchen smells and the times I come home ...its more like a MEAN DEN MOTHER than a landlady. The straw that broke the camels back was her banging on my door in the morning saying "hey" and talking about the dishes I used when I cook breakfast. I gave her my intention on leaving, saying I can leave in August because this is not a good fit and not good for my mental health. But the irony is that everyday, I'm finding my community and ways to thrive. From meeting the councilwoman to the founder of a community  art collective to meeting actual artists and film makers to volunteering at a community garden to conversations with my neighbors about starting a business to teach in the schools and the list goes on. The deli and business owners are starting to recognize me and it feels amazing. Now that I have to find a new place to live with NO income...is daunting. and its not like i'm not trying....

Every month since March, I've been applying for jobs, college jobs in Chicago, Brooklyn, NYU, not only applying for jobs but gigging every weekend and auditioning all like my life depends on it. I even said I would busk with a friend tomorrow on the train. and I'm not sure if I should just leave NYC and go hOME to Chicago but even with Chicago, I would still have to find a place to live and WORK. And the jobs seems more political there. I reached out the choir that I spend 18 years with for a job and they were shady with their response and basically said no. I had a masterclass that I was to teach and randomly I was replaced by someone else. I have a feeling that even though I LOVE Hyde Park and Chicago, it may not be as kind and welcoming to me as I thought. Part of me needs to release the idea that I'm supposed to be ANYTHING at this age. What if I am NOTHING?  

It is okay that I start OVER and LEARN AGAIN. 

Murry Crimmus...The Gift of God

 My parents are here! In New York City...for Christmas...it means everything to me. I miss home and miss my parents and being around family and people who KNOW my heart and care for me. NYC is hard...Broadway is hard...this World is hard and there is so much happening. Having family with me in this city I'm living and working in is grounding and helps me remember WTF I am. My parents are so special. God really was on something when They created my parents. I'm so proud and blessed to be apart of THIS family...I could have been born in any other circumstance...Though its nowhere near perfect...Chile we are all a mess...but it's a beautiful mess...and God Bless it!

I can't help but think about Jesus and death and the world...and the people of this world...and the collective energy of us humans and how messed up it is. I keep thinking about my purpose and how I want to spend my life...and fulfilling or at least living in my purpose here. I've never felt more ready to just DO IT. LIVE fully in the reason why I am here and experience HEAVEN ON EARTH. I have tasted and seen how good God is. I have been carried by the Lord throughout my life and my mind never ceases to amaze me with HOW GOOD GOD has been in my life. From when I was on the mountain peak to the lowest valley...to the driest dessert to the crispest rainforest...Wherever I go, I meet Him there. Alpha & Omega. It is not like a human being...we are so flawed and easily driven... by fleeting things. I want to anchor my soul in the Most High. I yield to the Divine Architect. The Creator of Heaven & Earth. The Gears to the ever rotating Universe. 

What is God? 

Is it the Impersonal All Conscious Isness?

Or Personal Beneficial Confidant & Friend & Teacher of Beingness?

Or is it both and everything in between? 

I'm feeling real deep right now. Just like the Capricorn that I be. We dwell in the the deep dark waters of consciousness with the merpeople and sirens or the sea...

...

...

just recorded a musical improv idea on my phone...

I'm learning how to use my voice...I have the tools and techniques and I have life experience to shape it...i'm excited about this coming year...I'm about to BLOW UP!

Activate and Energize in a whole new way...wow...and its not just because I'm turning 40...PHEW! But WHEW!! 40. I am turning 40. I'm 39 right now...I'm feeling it creep up...its so significant...it feels like Goddesszilla tip toeing...I feel like i'm going to be unstoppable...I'm a little anxious...super anxious but also so so excited in the best way! Its like everything that I have learned in my 20s and 30s are complete and now its time to not only execute the wisdom but also be open to the wisdom of the 40s to illuminate.

Illuminate. Thats the word for 40. or at least for 39 on December 26. In my mind I've actually already turned 40 but its not official until January...then I can GO THE VUG OFF! Oooh the concerts the things I've planted in so many journals...the tablets I've written down shows in detail...Will finally become manifest! Evrything Ive been prepared for will be go time.

My heart is full is not only the possibilities but the fulfillments of the plans that were whispered to me in dreams. 

Phew....goodnight.

It ain't over til it's over over.

 What a day yesterday was....

It started with an interview with Broadway News then a chiropractic adjustment since my neck is crazy (its lacking the  natural curve so its straight...which tells me alot about how I'm carrying myself in this world) then PT session and Christmas shopping. 

I dont believe in Western Christmas anymore...I hate the idea of buying things specifically for this day...especially since typically at the end of the year, my finances are dribbling down from the year. Its not about this. We are a pagan society that worships Money. Christ wasn't born in December...and its all the winter solstice celebration but we arent even aware of the natural occurrences that we dont truly observe or know what the solstice is. There is so much that is coming to light for me...although I've always felt these knowings rumbling inside...even as a child...and now they are surfacing and I feel crazy but at the same time I imagine a great global awakening where we see everything in the eyes of love and intuition. The war that is happening in the middle east...I have no words other than it is one sided and terrorizing to observe. Yet that same terrorizing energy is what is leading our society...and the Truth of humanity...the SOUL of humanity needs a cleansing...a spiritual baptism...where we are washed from the gunk of ego and fear and see our true identity and HARMONIZE to love frequency.... how ironic that I'm in a show called Harmony... but yet its only literal.

Ive never felt so underused in a show...but yet I am playing "the Black Goddess of France" herself...Ms Josephine Baker. My direction has been to be more grand and to code switch from "Fancy to Southern" Josephine Baker isnt from the South but she is Black...so maybe thats what they meant...for me to act more Black....*sigh*...then I was also told that Josephine Baker was riding on the coattails of the guy group...when actually she was a star in her own right and a pioneer of international racial harmony. But I just need to just do my job and shine. I'm frustrated that I'm not really seen as the diamond I feel like I am. On and offstage. And I'm not even doing ANYTHING in the show yet I'm mentally spiritually and physically exhausted and suffered more injuries in this show than any show ever. Is this what I prayed for?  This was my manifestation from Lion King. Would I go back to Lion King? I was REALLY just a number...a cog in well oiled machine. I LOVED that machine but I thought I was going to celebrated. I guess my mother was right, Berry Gordy spoiled me in treating me like a princess when I played Diana Ross. He showed me and celebrated who I was. He saw my potential. So did Stevie. Who did I enjoy playing more? Diana Ross of course...she had dimension in the story. 

So! Now that that is off my chest, how do I become better not bitter? The show is most likely closing before the year contract...I felt it was a limited run from the beginning for a few intuitive reasons. But maybe, just maybe it can become sustainable? but thats in the direction and formation. 

So now...I'm forced to look outside Broadway yet again... 2024 is coming and I'm going to be 40!!!! I'm actually really excited because I feel like everything is going to be different. I can already feel it...Like a stepping into my purpose 100% and actually DOING THE THING I was created to do here instead of adjacent assignments. Even in my thinking and coping and mental sorting, there is a Ah Ha! energy.

But as of right now...in this present moment, I am enjoying my sunny boho Harlem studio with plants. I'm not going to be swayed by the energy of the theater and cast because its unpredictable and stuffy and tense. I am grounded and light and bright. I will only give my energy to those who deserve it...and I ysed to hate saying that word but its true...I'm not Jesus...I'm not dying for everyone...I am only human and a sensitive one at that. Its time that I care for myself like the precious soul that I am. I of course wish I could have a partner who would cherish and appreciate and protect me...does that sound like a father or a partner? thats where I'm conflicted...what is a healthy balanced ask of a partner? Maybe I shouldnt even look but "become my own soulmate" and work out these imbalances that are bubbling to surface in my soul. Be my own soul's mate first.  My own soul's keeper. 

I want to continue the work I did in 2020. What if...I just contuinued as if I was still in Malibu making those meditations and songs and videos and teaching those young artists? I LOVED teaching performance at that LA colleges! Wow....how did I do that? I just believed I could and I did. I said to myself, DUH, youve been on Broadway, starred in touring productions, recorded and wrote for Stevie Wonder, and performed all over the country, of COURSE you can teach this next generation about finding their voice in performance in LA. What is stopping me from doing this in NYC or Chicago? Is Broadway the final goal or is there more?? 

Of course there is more, my soul shouts! Your concerts, Carnegie Hall, teaching in NYC, it AINT OVER til its over, ya heard! And I'm only just beginning! 

Crying on the Subway- #blessed

 Today was a day. I was overcome with introspection, gratitude, and reflection. I'm leaving my thirties, I'm living in an answered prayer, I finally have a place of my own in NYC, and I have a moment to just marinate on the beauty of where I am and how the heck I got here.

BACK ON BROADWAY! OBC- CHECK!

 GUESSS WHAAAAAT?

Ya girl is BACK ON BROADWAY! And she got HER OBC_- Original Broadway Cast  in a PRINCIPLE ROLE! Life, truly, is magical. I am blessed. Where do I begin?

January 2023, right when I was OVER NYC...right when I planned on leaving it all to head back home to Chicago and "figure it out", LION KING RAFIKI TOUR books me and I end up GOING HOME to CHICAGO ANYWAY for rehearsal!I got the role of Sarabi, Simba's Momma, Mufasa's Queen, and understudy NALA! I first auditioned for Lion King in 2016 and 7 years later I got it with ease almost! Because I was doing the Aida Workshop with Clem who is the musical supervisory of Lion King and he asked me why I never went in for NALA! A recommendation from the musical supervisor and my well connected agent DID THAT! (and me of course)

Anyway, long story short, I started the tour with the famed Lion King  as Queen Sarabi and didn't realize that I would be also be Hyena #15 and giant flower #29 in the background. Of course, as a "sunflower" (affectionately called by our dance captain) and spotlight lover, my face hungrily searched the "sky" for the light and told a multi chapter story with my eyes, while being hidden in the back, because as soon as I step on stage, the STORY is being told (thank you Dr. Ollie Watts Davis- Art Song recital training) and just in case some small child's eager eyes happen to fall on me! The Hyena and the spotlight? not so much. This was more like dancing in the shadows of the graveyard (which is fun in its own way?)  I DESPISED that costume with every fiber of my being- however, certain days, I used my anger and channeled it to excitement and zest. Anyway, there was a point where I felt like we were all pledging something together...but ironically the collective struggle that I felt was something I only felt and my experience ended up being one of the most lonely and challenging experiences of my career. The actor who played Mufusa was one of the coldest people I have ever met in my life, blatantly ignoring me and avoiding my eyes since day 1. When I fell down on the rock, offstage, he didn't budge as I struggled to my feet. To begin such a beautiful show in love singing about the power of the connection of life, I've never felt so disconnected and heart broken. BUT I am SO grateful because something inside me activated...ignited!! I REFUSE to let 1 or 2 or 15 people steal the light, gratitude and joy I have for being in this show. This little light of mine? I'm going to let it shine DAMNIT!! I will not be consumed in darkness!! I will shine, even though I am covered in drapes of fabric and energetic heaviness. I felt like I was at war with an energetic darkness and my weapon was light, joy, mindfulness, and FOCUS. I will focus on things that feel good, light, or NEUTRAL. The whole experience honestly was one of the most glorious productions I've ever been in  (THE STORY THE MUSIC inspired me DAILY) and the challenges made a LIGHT WARRIOR out of me. Now that I made it to the other side, I feel unstoppable!  

It was a moment on tour when I felt like my soul was starting to break and a dresser in DC told me to talk to my ancestors and tell them ask them for help. I called out to everyone! Jesus, Holy Spirit, Gramps, Nana, Grandma, Granddad, Woody, and whoever was on my angelic team to DELIVER ME out of my current place to a stage... a story where joy is present and easily accessible, where I feel like I actually add value and my soul can be replenished. I prayed that I GET MY OBC before I turned 40. I prayed and asked for BOLD SPECIFIC things and They HEARD MY CRY- Hallelujah. A week later, I got an audition for Harmony and within 2 weeks I was in NYC recording the cast album!!! Life CAN BE a MAGICAL MAGNETIC experience!

So now, here I am. Writing in my room in Williamsburg, the door to the terrace is open and I'm getting ready to do some Pilates Yoga before stepping out to rehearsal to learn my big dance number as Josephine Baker in Warren Carlyle and Barry Manilow's new Broadway SHOW! I've been floating through NYC...

Nothing is perfect, I am STILL OH SO LONELY, still don't have a place of my own, and don't feel super solid....but when I look back over my life, and see how God has opened doors and been with me through the valleys and mountains, TRULY I can say that God is REAL and GREAT. My family is still healthy happy and I have a roof over my head and money coming in the bank . and I'm OPENING a NEW BROADWAY SHOW called HARMONY - out of all the things....My favorite thing in the world. I couldn't make this up. The Universe is the Author of my life and I am the Co-Author. I intend to continue co-creating goodness and variety.

NAAANTS N'GONYAAAAAAAA

 That's what Rafiki is technically saying lol

(although every now and then, I think of "Mrs Brown" Elder Price's Black Neighbor who dressed up like "Rafiki" at the airport for his Ugandan send off-wearing a Lion beach towel and with similar face makeup, singing "PWAAAANAOOOSAAAA" That show was sooo inappropriate- 

it was great!! 

I digress...

Welp! I'm on the Lion King Rafiki Tour! I DID IT!! I am a Disney gal! 

** when you wish upon a staaaaar...**

I started rehearsal at HOME in Chicago during my birth month, and started performing in February in LA /Hollywood! Now, I am in Des Moines Iowa. I took the travel buyout so I could 

1. stay an extra day in LA to pack up my "sublet"

2. tie up loose ends (pack up my apartment, lunch with Brock, studio session with Stevie Wonder!) 

3. fly Delta and rack up points

3. to travel on my own and not see anybody from the cast/company. Always a reality check for me. 

LA was insane...even though I was there for 2 months, they blew by! I was getting used to the workload of the show...and then driving to and fro in traffic, driving to rehearsals driving, and driving some more. I'm exhausted from the driving AND the show. At my house, I had two pride Rock staircases, so the climb NEVER ENDED!! These Quads and Glutes are OLYMPIC BIKER legs. But I was stressed out there- why? because it was home and I was torn between just doing the show and being home and seeing everyone and enjoying LA, kicking it, going out, eating out, exploring the terrain and hills and beaches...it was TEW MUCH! Now that we are in DesMoines, I feel a peaceful quietness...even in this hotel room, its so big and sunny, I'm grateful...to be in a smaller town. As I checked in in the night, trying to be unnoticed,  right as I hopped out my Uber I was greeted by the stage manager and a drunk interracial couple, who fist bumped me like you MADE IT SIS, as I lugged my 150 lbs of luggage. Even though they were drunk, I FELT that fist bump in my soul.  I DID MAKE IT! All the way from the West Coast, I eliminated sooo many clothes and THINGS I had been holding on too! I am fighting accumulating things and I had to go through so many THINGS and just donate or eliminate them...because when it's junky access around me, I feel junky and confused internally. 

As so without, so within.

 I didn't think I was going to do it, but I DID! I am slowly becoming a minimalist...( as I have a carry on filled with just scarves🙄). I am a work in PROGRESS and it's exciting to seeee the progress. I feel lighter. My next goal is the downsize to just ONE 50lb bag NOT two. The GAG is, I HAVE NO HOME YET to send my things...well, a home of my own. And THATS my goal on this tour, to save up enough money to purchase a home, and to get a degree/skills that is outside MUSIC that can secure more bags. I AM CAPRICORN and financial stability is a priority. 

Also, on the emotional front, I'm coming up against the SAME issues at Motown with navigating people's egos. My personal test is keeping my peace and integrity around chaos. I'm much better at it but I realize from a chart reading as well, that I have so MUCH FIRE in my chart and can be INTENSE...I always try to subscribe to being a peaceful chill person, but thats actually not me. I'm not a mountain...I'm a volcano. OOOOOH....come on Spirit- 

I'M NOT A MOUNTAIN 🏔 , I'M A VOLCANO🌋  

And mogs be irritating me and I know I can "erupt" (verbally/energetically) but there will be no survivors and I will be very sad and lonely lol ...so, most of my energy is internal in tempering my lava...although, every now and then, it MUST come out... So I'm spending a lot of energy alchemizing my fire trying to be sweet  and agreeable, basically, instead of the wild woman that I know I am! That makes no sense...no wonder I feel stifled and dissatisfied. I'm tired of playing small...I've heard this over so many years, but when will I actually start to play BIG or...rather just PLAY as I am? I will notice when I start to retract physically/energetically. I'll take notice and breath into expanding to my full expression again. I'm giving myself permission to be messy as long as love is my foundation, not ego or fear. Because those kinds of messes are intolerable and just add to the negativity.

ANYWAY!! I'm about to get dressed and see what Des Moines has to offer! I'm excited to be back in the Midwest, to be honest. I feel closer to my roots here. Let's see how grounded in love I can be....

Broken Spirit in Harlem

 Just got off work. Yes I’m working. A temp job this week as a receptionist at a real estate/textile company. Old New York. It’s corporate. Fluorescent. Dusty yet strong. I feel like I’m turning off my talent for money. But I made it through the day. At least I can offer my smile to the people. Energy is everything. 

I get off work. Head uptown to my September bougie sublet that I can’t afford. Heart aching for a jazz musician that I have fallen head over heels for… again. Is this a pattern? Falling for an emotionally unavailable genius child? I write a farewell letter to him in the spirt realm in an attempt to reconcile my unrequited love. As an attempt to save myself from being heartbroken and bitter towards love. 

I step into my over budget apartment to record two auditions one for me and one for my friend. We are so gifted. It’s only a matter of time.  But in the back of my mind, my soul is broken from so many rejections. So many no’s. Am I a has been?

I step out to a harlem bar up the skreet to meet a friend and it’s an open mic. Hungry for music, I sing a long with the crowd- all singing the parts like a jaded overly enthusiastic gospel choir. Complete with the runs but empty with meaning. Only hoping to be heard but not listening. Egotistical & judgmental. I’m invited to sing and I sing Be Happy and Feel Like Making Love bc I am Sad and don't believe in love… only to have cold shoulders thrown.  Silence and continued conversation. No energy at all. I felt like I might as well have been boo’d off the Apollo stage. I’ve never felt so less than from a club full of people. How can a collective be so energy draining? WasI that awful??  The 3% of confidence i had left from constant rejection from my auditions was snuffed out. As the song ended no one clapped or even acknowledged my existence. I’m so tired of being overlooked, rejected, ignored in every part of my life. This set it off for me. I just want a win. And the amount of apathy & judgment I felt from these Black Americans in this little Harlem dive bar sucked out the remaining joy and confidence I was clinging too. 

I walked home utterly depleted. From a 9-6 lifeless shift. To a 7-9 audition self tape. To a 10-11 confidence killing night. The familiar comfortable option of suicide appears. Maybe my best years are behind me and I don’t have what it takes to make a difference or impact in the world anymore. My leaving is no different than my staying. 

But what if my soul? I already feel like a ghost. Lost and lingering in this world. Lead on yet Forgotten by God. Waiting tirelessly for nothing. 

Ugh..I want to go home. 

update:

Harlem ain't so bad after all...

Yuckyacht

I'm staying in Miami for an extra week after the A Wonderful World run. I didn't want to rush back to California just yet. It's never really felt like home yet. The only person who really has made it feel like home was my boyfriend but we are breaking up...or I suppose we already are. He's kinda dragging it out. We both knew that something was off and I would talk about it and he would cover it up with a veneer of a smile and what he called "hope". But I would rather be honest about something. If it isn't working, it's okay. But I felt like I was going crazy because he would be ignoring all the signs and I was blinded by all the signs. In every relationship, we learn about ourselves. I learned that I love to be held and loved tenderly but that I also value honesty and require emotional stability. But I realize that also, no one can make you happy, you can be in the "best" of situations and still be miserable...I found joy in the most simple humble situations, and that I need to work on my relationship with myself and the God within first and foremost. Everything will stem from my inner relationship. There are a lot of moving parts when two people come together and the ingredients may or may not work with one another. Peanut butter and oysters are delicious but not together. He's asking for time to think about what's next with me but he's is already happy and content with his life on his own. I want to be THERE. Happy and content with my own life. So then a relationship is a CHERRY on top! Gone are the days where a relationship adds sense and stability to my life. I was looking for stability and purpose and completion in a relationship...why? Because I was instable and not complete within. So I looked without! 

Sigh...I just got off the phone with my mother and she is so esoteric. I am grateful to come from her, she has so much wisdom and even near 40, I feel like I need her guidance more than ever. She reminds me that there is more than life than our limitations. Wisdom just flows out of her like a waterfall and sometime I need to come up for air to digest the gems. Thank you God.

I planned a boat ride. I didn't want to leave Miami with this amazing cast without spending time outside of rehearsal with them and on some water. It was a ghetto mess organizing it, people not paying, not responding, dropping out and the very last minute. Once we saw the yacht, it was underwhelming, and I was drowned by everyone's complaints but those voices were the loudest. I didn't realize that some people were fine with it. We eventually took off and the ride was a breeze...but I will never host a group gathering alone again. My headache was so sharp and constant the rest of the evening, I wondered if it was actually more stressful to have it. I learned a valuable lesson or two.  God is in the midst of everything. The people who cancelled would have HATED the ride and been miserable, the people who came were the perfect combination of folks. That things always work out, and that I am stronger than I think. My strength always surprises me. 

I realize that my confidence is quiet, I'm not a proud person. The world seems full of people with puffed out chests and enlarged egos and when I try to "compete", I feel drained and tense. I just want to flow like water. The energy out here is intense. I feel pushed aside, insignificant, less than but I know that I am NOT those things. I am God's favorite one. His precious beloved. My valuable is divinely locked and no thing or being can alter my position in God's eyes. But this is something I have to remember, regardless of how people treat me. I finally understand and feel racial discrimination. I understand and feel the hatred towards black women more than ever in Miami. I don't understand because we are one of the most magically beings on Earth. My soul feels beaten and battered here. Even after starring in a profoundly Black musical here, literally next door from the theater, I was disrespected simply because of my identity. I finally understand how it feels, Ive been protected by racial bias, being lighter complexioned and growing up in a liberal racially diverse and tolerant neighborhood. I don't know how to thrive and shine in such thick darkness sometimes. I've been crying so much these last few days. Releasing pented up emotions, deeply rooted fear, of being alone and abandoned in this cruel world. I've never wished for Heaven more than now but I'm also in awe of the miracle of this flash of life I am in. My emotions and thoughts are as deep  and expansive as the ocean. And while I am experiencing and releasing a lot of emotions, I have a deep knowing that I am where I am supposed to be. This solitude is beautiful, not terrifying. It holds all things. And to enjoy the chaos because there is actually no right side up anymore. My truth North is when peace settles in my heart.

Omichristmas in Miami

Today is the Winter Solstice. 

I'm in sunny Miami opening a show ironically called "A Wonderful World" about Louis Armstrong. Playing his second wife from Chicago, Lilian Hardin, the one who polished him up from a country bumpkin to the "World's Greatest Trumpet Player in the World". She was a bad bougie classically trained musician who was overlooked but rolled with the big dawgs. Of course, Louis left her for some LA bish named Alpha (who ended up leaving his @** for his white drummer-oop.). 

Anyway, the story is beautifully written- by the infamous Aurin Squire & the production is SICKENING- NYC caliber, and the cast is filled with brilliantly talented boss workin' fools (myself included!). 

And now, the show is canceled because a few cast mates have Covid, which is NO surprise because...we're in unmasked Miami Beach during the holidays and surges are happening all over the country. Why? Because folks are over the pandemic and have a "YOU CAINT TELL ME WUT TA DO" American mentality. I admit, I've been in a few bars unmasked last month, because of the stress of putting up the show (more about THAAAT later) and wanting to let my hair down and be social. But I am also vaccinated (and as of Dec 21, boosted).

So I can either complain about shows being canceled and be CONSUMED by how I feel devalued by the theater company- orrrr, I can enjoy the peace of my beautiful living accommodations in Miami, with beautiful weather, a healthy family, happy friends and technology to connect us all!